Getting better

linking up each week with  things i cna't say for Pour Your Heart Out  and with twinkle in the eye for Flash blog Fridayto tell the story of my battle and recovery from an eating disorder

You were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and your spirit which are God’s “

1 Cor: 6:20

It is the year 2001. It is yet another year that I am putting my body through torment from an eating disorder. This body that God has given me to be a temple, I abuse it, starve it, and hate it. It is not only my body that is suffering though, it is my emotions as well. Some days I feel like it’s time to just let go and let myself recover and grow up to the physical person I deserve to be. Other days it is such a struggle and I can not even bare to look at myself, or even think of how I have let myself go in just the past year. I often feel like I have lost the fight with my body. I realise I do not have the strength or will power to starve. That may seem more like I have won, but it is far from it. If I had won then I would be serious about getting better. I am hoping that through writing I may figure all this out and be the person I am meant to be. I am not an eating disorder, but it is trying to rule my life. Food and I are separate now. Food is not a normal part of my life. I so much want it to be, I just want to feel normal and accepted by everyone else. What I have always wanted was “to be noticed.” Losing weight was definitely one way of getting noticed, but then it became an obsession. I wanted to test how far I could go, but never went over the limit. Losing weight was one way also that I could cry out for help and attention, without actually having to ask for it, and it worked. Few people though understand it. Many think it is a problem with food and a fear of weight gain only. They only associate anorexia with food and weight. I have learnt this by the way of opening up and telling people there is a problem there, and seeking help, only to find them thinking I was better once I gained a few kilograms. So, the cycle starts over again. It is not solely about food. It is about self worth, self acceptance. Weight gain does not signify a person is better. It is often when a person finds it even harder to cope. Weight gain for my self is confusing, it’s a lack of control, and it is shameful. So many people can come to me now and tell me how good I look thinking they are doing something nice, yet what they are telling me is that with a few extra kilos I don’t look sickly. I don’t need them to remind me that I have put on weight. It is hard enough dealing with it myself. I am trying to come to terms with it because I don’t have the energy or determination to lose it. The harder thing to come to terms with is finding out the person I am.
Once I was a skinny person. My battle and struggle with food was my identity and my life. It was the one thing I could say no to and feel in control of. I don’t think I was a very nice person then. Issues involving food consumed my mindset, and controlled the way I thought, did things, and also how I reacted to people. I tried to have fun, but if it involved food I panicked. I tried to involve my self in social groups, but if that was associated with food I avoided it. To eat would be to lose self respect. It would be denying what people saw me as, it would be going against what I tried so hard to fight. I just could not do it because I was afraid and ashamed of what people would say or think. In a way I guess I was afraid of who I am and what I wanted. I used to think I was happy but really I wasn’t. Everyday was a struggle because I was so depressed, and so focussed on food
Now I would say I am at a normal weight, although people still think I am skinny. I have a life now, and I am enjoying my self at most times. I have been told that I am more fun to be around now, and it is a lot easier to talk about or even eat food with me. Although I may eat more now it does not mean the battle is over. Once the battle of food was my life, but now my life is moving ahead and I have to try and fight this battle while I am living a life. Once upon a time my goal was to be in hospital because of my eating disorder. It was to take me to near death. At one stage I was going to admit myself because I couldn’t go on with the struggle any more. I was sick of making decisions regarding food. I was getting scared of myself and of what this problem had become. Now, my goal is to be able to talk about my experience with an eating disorder, not to live with it and then die from it. I want people to see me for who I am now. To see the person I am becoming as a result of this, and to see other achievements in my life apart from weight loss. It is more fun to order pizza at work
and all of us eat it, than to be the one who always refuses and gets comments. It is easier to go for a walk, and only a walk, rather than “having to go” for a walk everyday, yet needing to know where the toilets are because too many laxatives were taken the night before. I laugh with my friends now, and I am starting to feel connected to them, not like an outsider.
I am now a person who is trying to find out what life really is about. I am scared to let go of the eating disorder because I don’t know life any other way now. Gradually though it is leaving, and I am discovering myself again.
I will write year by year as I remember them, and significant parts of those years that have formed the person I became. Some parts may be intertwined with others, because in the overall things of life each little bit is linked to another. I will also write characteristics of myself throughout each year so there is a fair description of the kind of person I am.