moving on

I was to leave with Charles, back to Lawson the day after the funeral, so that I could still attend my interview on Saturday. Leaving so soon didn’t bother me at first because I seriously did not feel comfortable staying. I arrived back to such a warm homecoming that I wanted to cry. Having left home I felt far enough away from the situation and there were only memories now and a deep sadness. I thought it might be best to move on with my life.
Yet the next day was something different. The morning appeared as normal and I attended my interview at the preschool. I wasn’t too phased about the job though because I wasn’t sure at this stage if childcare was the job for me. I sat the interview for the experience anyway. The day continued on and I went with the family down to watch a canoe race at the river. Suddenly I felt numb, isolated and sad. I watched all the happy families at the river and realised mine no longer had a mother. I no longer had a mother. The feeling worsened throughout the day, I couldn’t laugh at little jokes, or even eat. When we got home I just stayed in my room listening repeatedly to the Richie Sambora song we played at mum’s funeral.
That night the family went to Mass in Leura and I was home alone. The time went slowly by and I felt such an aloneness I had never experienced before. I became fearful that they may have been in an accident and then I would be totally on my own. I rang up Mim and talked with her for ages realising I needed to be with her for the time being.
It was Easter soon and the whole family and I went to the Easter show the next day. I actually enjoyed myself for the first time since mum’s death. I think it had to do with the fact that I knew Mim and James were coming this evening. I had a guilty conscience for having fun though, thinking I should be in mourning and not enjoy myself with another family. I put that feeling guiltily aside though and went on to enjoy and appreciate my day. I was looking forwards to the end of the day though waiting for Mim and James’s arrival to take me back home with them.