grace

“for it is by grace you have been saved,

Through faith …it is the gift of God.”

Eph 2:8

My life took a different direction over the week mum was in hospital. A friend of mine, Pamela from school, had been hassling me out previously about Christianity. I told her it was a crock and that was something she could believe in but it wasn’t for me. She wrote me letters about how she felt I needed to be saved and God can change my life and me. At the time I was too busy mellowing in my own problems to give this a second thought. I assumed she was just being a good little Christian. Obviously it was bad timing but God led her the right way with better tactics. Pamela took a second go by inviting me casually to a coffee and dessert night hosted by her fathers bible study group. What she omitted telling me was that there was a Christian guest speaker there. Instead of fobbing off everything he was saying I decided to listen. He proceeded with stating how many people put their belief in something visual and material such as a crystal. (At this point I tucked my crystal discreetly down my t-shirt). What people fail to do is put their trust in God because they cannot physically see or touch Him. I related easily to what he said, which motivated me to listen more intently to the rest of it. He gave real life illustrations of people who did put their trust in God and had faith in Him and it was very inspiring. I desired only to hear more after that. On the way home I thought long and hard about the night and when Pamela invited me to her church on the Sunday I didn’t hesitate to say yes. Strangely enough on that Sunday there was a prayer for people who wanted Jesus in their life and I said the prayer. I was unsure of how big an impact it would have on my life at that stage and was actually a bit scared. Pamela was so excited for me and told absolutely everybody she could think of. Her and I both went to visit mum that day and she was bursting for me to tell mum. I couldn’t though only because I wanted to talk more about it with Pam and also because I was unsure of how mum would react. I continued going to her church and actually knew a few people there already. I was in an acceptable environment and I felt okay. I still didn’t know how to tell mum though.
Mum came out of hospital a few days after this and I continued to go to church. But, I didn’t exactly tell her I was going to church, I just mentioned that I was going to
Pamela’s. I got home one day all excited because of the people I had met at church and the friendships I started to form. I really wanted to share this with mum so I told her that I was going to church now and I was a Christian. All she did was laugh and say, “you’ve got to be joking”. I couldn’t understand why she was so upset about it so I just left it at that. She later said she was happy for me to believe what I wanted to but I was not to talk about it with her.
Christmas time suddenly approached. Christmas day was one of the nicest Christmas days we had had for a long time. They were normally spent at home doing absolutely nothing. We opened our presents on Christmas Eve as a German tradition and I really treasured that. It was a special family thing that we had done for many years. The day after though never consisted of much though. I always longed to do something family orientated even if it was as simple as a picnic. This year we did and I will never forget it. James drove us all out to Lake Keepit for a picnic lunch. Relations were going alright and we were all putting in an effort. To have this day, Christmas Day, doing something special was too important to worry about anything else. Even eating was okay. Deanne once proposed a question to me, and it was “how would I prefer to remember a Christmas meal; would I prefer to eat and enjoy it or eat then throw it up and worry all day about it and what other people are thinking of me“. The first option took my fancy and I wanted to do it for mum. I realised she was putting in an effort to come out for lunch so I could put in the effort to eat and be merry, even if only for that day. It was a very beautiful day and I will always remember it.

betrayed

Sometimes it’ s too hard to describe a hurt

One Monday night I was supposed to be at rehearsals for the Salon orchestra, but for some reason it had been called off. I saw this as a nice opportunity to visit James but was sadly mistaken. I walked in his back door as normal, but only to discover Mim and him cuddling on his lounge. The looks on their faces was only guilt, and I ran right out of there. I felt sick in the stomach with hurt and shame. Mum tried her best to comfort me and I really appreciated that.
The story I was told from them was that Mim was extremely upset about Steve and some of the things he had said. She claimed that James was the only person she felt comfortable talking to about it and at the time I walked in on them he was only hugging her to comfort her. There was obvious doubt in my head regarding this story and James and I ended up breaking up. He could not understand why I perceived this the way I did, and why it hurt. To begin with I did not even realize Mim and James were such good friends. I wondered how they could develop such a close friendship if they never previously spent time alone together.
After this the next few days were rather uncomfortable. Initially I didn’t want to talk with Mim. I felt literally sick and had also lost my appetite. Great opportunity to lose weight! It was tempting to stop eating all together to see how much the really cared and to make them feel responsible. I couldn’t do it though, mainly because I didn’t want to become weak in a situation like this, surprisingly I had more belief in myself. However, eating did become more of an effort, and so did actually keeping the food down.
I became anxious when it came to eating meals. To eat when I wanted was fine but to eat when others wanted was not. One night mum cooked dinner for us all and invited Mim and James over as well. As the time got closer to eating this meal I felt more nervous and afraid. I visualised the food on the plate and knew that it would end up inside me and I hated this thought. I told Mim about how I felt and she said she’d understand if I didn’t eat it all, but told me I was being stupid.
I felt as though I was stuck in a rut. All things were happening at once. I wasn’t dealing with eating, I just broke up with my boyfriend, then at my horror James was going to move in with Mim. He was being evicted from his flat, and Mim needed a new house mate, so how convenient was this situation. Had I even had protested it would not have made a difference. They did their best to convince me it was a good idea and went on to say it had nothing to do with what happened the week before. The way they both went on about it and denied everything continuously only reinforced my suspicions. It wasn’t that I was being selfish and tried stopping their feelings for each other it was more the factor of timing and betrayal.
I was at a loss for what to believe, and at a loss as to where I fitted in. At home I was restless, frustrated and bored. I felt less than comfortable going to Mim’s because she either appeared annoyed at me or Jason had some reason to be mad at me and really let me know it.
I went through what I called a “wobbly patch” for a few days. It became more of a duty than a want to eat. To eat one toast in the morning was a struggle. Anything that passed my lips was a constant contention. I felt fat thinking about food and wanted to throw it all in the bin. I ate for appearance sake and to please the others. I couldn’t let anyone know I was slipping back, although Mim liked to have a go at me. After a meal one night she made the comment “this is good food, I don’t want to see it down the toilet”. The only way I could describe the way I felt was a fool. It was like when I was younger and people thought they could make funny comments to me because they assumed I would laugh them off. James seemed take pleasure in making a fool out of me. Once he Mim and I were walking home from the markets and he thought it may be fun to pick me up by surprise then throw me on the ground and drag me by my feet. There was no way to resist his strength so I just had to put up with it. He and Mim laughed about it but by no means did I think it was funny.
* * * * *
In November I had lined up to complete one week of work experience at Featherdale Wildlife Park near Sydney. I stayed with Charles and Lana for this time and had the most relaxing time since a long time. Eating wasn’t even really an issue for the time I was there. A lot of it had to do with the fact I was performing a lot of physical work through out the whole day and I was actually very hungry by the time I got home in the afternoons. It was also because I was distant from the pressures at home. It wasn’t a duty to eat and have eyes watching me. I actually wanted to eat and looked forwards to it. A few times I had to stop myself from over eating (eating dessert), but I felt so free in a different environment. The work experience itself was fun and valuable. There was a lot of hands on experience when it came to feeding the animals or doing the rounds of the park which made the time there so worthwhile.
Being at Charles and Lana’s was also so much fun. I sensed freedom and welcomed it. To join in with the family was inviting. They had four children now, Todd 7, Mike 5, Paul 3, Michelle 1. The kids enjoyed spending time with me and I did my best to make the time enjoyable. We played cricket and handball, sega games and watched videos. Lana and I spent a couple of nights watching “girlie” videos. To leave there was a disappointment because I didn’t want to return to what I had left. I was actually happy and felt okay about eating. Lana actually commented before I left that she would miss me heaps because I really livened up the place.
Sadly I entered my fears when I returned. Mim and James became an official couple during my week away. Some others told me though that they were only using my absence as an opportunity to say they got together then, but had actually been together for quite some time. Admittedly it hurt but it was by no means a shock. I got on with things and pushed this issue aside. I spent a lot of time at jess’s to talk about how I felt about it and it was good to get those feelings out.
I also kept busy at the preschool at this time especially as it was coming to close to the end of the year and they were preparing for their end of year concert. The children were becoming quite attached to me now and it felt special. I received quite a few presents from the children and also a present from the staff to thank me for all the help I had contributed over the last half of the year. I knew I would miss the preschool over the holidays because it taught me many things and helped me to remain focussed on other matters.
At this time mum had to go into hospital for a serious illness she had. She had a lot of fluid in her stomach, which needed to be drained out. It was causing her not to eat,
and she was just not healthy. I was staying on my own at home while mum was in hospital and it got extremely lonely. I didn’t like going to bed early because I think I was afraid of being alone so I did all sorts of weird stuff including vacuuming the carpets at 1am in the morning. Mim tried looking after me inviting me over for dinner or coming over to the house to have dinner but I wasn’t bothered to eat. I had an extremely minimal diet and it was a relief. Sometimes I rubbed it in telling Mim how little I was eating to see what response I would get.

Choices

How do you ever know if the choice you made is the right one. Where will it lead you?

Only two days before mum went into hospital Lana rang with an extremely thoughtful question for me. She asked me to consider moving to the mountains to live with them. What she had intended to do was study part time the following year and she contemplated having me as like a live in nanny. The possibility was very appealing. I had nothing much to keep me at home and the fact was that I was comfortable being there just previously. It was not like when we lived there before where they were like our parents. No, this time I was an adult and respected and treated more like one. Also, they knew about the disorder so that is also probably why the food issue was not pushed. Mim was less than happy about the idea and that did sadden me. Mum and I hardly had any opportunity to discuss it before she went into hospital so it was like a hush hush topic until she came out.

the hidden path to my career choice

My second week was completed at a preschool. Ironically it was at the preschool I went to as a little girl. I was supposed to do my whole two weeks at the vet’s but I seriously was not coping. Mim did her work experience at a Day Care centre and came home every day so happy with great stories about the children and her day. She suggested in the middle of my first week to try and change and go to a preschool as well. I was a bit hesitant to jump at this idea as I had no previous experience or desires to work with young children. I was afraid I could not relate to them very well. As I had never thought of this as an avenue to take, I decided I may as well give it a go. I talked with the teacher at Tafe, and arranged to go to a local preschool. I have never regretted this.
The thing with children is that they make you feel important. They are a good judge of character I believe, and they wouldn’t just go up to anyone. The fact that the children at this centre took to me in just one day meant so much. They sat on my lap, followed me around, introduced me to parents, and even played chasing games with me. I enjoyed my first day there so much I couldn’t wait to go back the next day. I took my violin one day, and one little girl said to her mother in the afternoon “this is my friend, and she has a guitar.” The children and the staff really valued that I took my violin in and asked me to bring it in a few other days.
As well as the children being so great, the staff also were. What I found previously with being a work experience student is that the staff can make you feel very uncomfortable and inferior. They don’t treat you as they would any other member of staff therefore not giving you a real view of what the workplace is really like. The preschool staff were not like this at all. From day one they included me in most things. I was made aware of what was going on during the day, or how to do things certain ways. I felt very comfortable and happy there. Funnily enough I even felt comfortable to eat there. It wasn’t overwhelmingly easy but I believed it was important for the children to see me eat. One day at the lunch table I managed to get into a discussion with the children about healthy eating and why eating every day is so important. That was when I realised I needed to take lunch for the children to see me do what I told them to do. My lunch did not consist of much regarding kilojoule content, but because it was in bits and pieces it looked like a lot. The one thing that I half enjoyed and half freaked out at was morning tea. One of the staff members made teas or coffees for all of us, and served this with a bit of cake. I was astonished that I was included in this, and so I accepted it thankfully. By the end of the week I realised what I had done and had an absolute heart attack. What got to me the most was that I wasn’t concentrating on my eating and I allowed myself to slip. I should have been looking at how I allowed myself to eat simply because I felt accepted by them all there. I was rather sad at the end of the week because it was such a pleasure to work there. I talked with the director to see if I could do some voluntary work there once I had finished this Tafe course. She was delighted at the idea and really encouraged me to come back.
While I was doing work experience at the preschool WIRES had another kangaroo for me to foster. His name was Furgus. He was yet another social kangaroo. He came along to my music rehearsals as well. I felt the same sense of worthwhile ness that I had felt with having Harley. It was knowing I was doing something that is helpful to someone else. I was hoping I would have less time to focus on me because I had something else to focus on. In some ways it worked but in other ways it didn’t. We were back up at tech now for about another two weeks, which meant eating properly
again.
Eating was driving me nuts. Why does food have to be so central?! I hated more the fact of having to eat when I wasn’t even hungry. Mum had a go at me one night for not eating steak. I really just didn’t feel like it, and I don’t particularly like steak. So immediately she assumed I was starving myself again. She hardly even cooked anything that week for dinner, it was mainly takeaway. It was around this time that I grew a dislike to cooked meals to eat at a set time. It was too regimented. Too planned. The more I realised I had to eat the more fat I felt each time. I was so afraid of putting on weight. My stomach stuck out after every meal and I hated it. I tried not to look at it because it looked pathetic, and I felt pathetic. The nightmares that I’d had during the period of my HSC were back. I had nothing to relate it to this time and they really frightened me, mainly because half the time I thought I wasn’t going to wake up in the dream.
* * * * *
Tech was coming closer to an end and we were all cheering. One of the guys in the class, James, lived only around the corner from us. We recognised him but tried our best to avoid him because we thought he was just a sleaze. He admitted that he and his mate often watched us walk to the shop and talked about us. However, as the course went on we got to know him as he was and realised he was quite a cool person. Some nights we went around to his place and chatted or wrestled with him. One night, pretty late, Mim and I decorated his mail box with balloons and a chef’s hat. We wrote on the balloon “hi I’m James the Jolly good Chef who can cook pumpkin soup”. He thought it was quite funny of us to do this.
One day Mim wasn’t able to go to tech because she had an appointment with the back specialist. James and I caught the bus into town together then walked up to tech. The more we talked the more I realised how much I liked him more than a friend. On the last day of tech Mim and her friend Steve had gone on a holiday to Coffs Harbour. I saw this as the perfect opportunity to spend time alone with James and get to know him. My main concern was him liking Mim as did every other guy. It wasn’t that I was jealous, it was more the feeling of always being second. I was just the sister, the ugly and dumb one. Mim has always been the most attractive one with the best personality. I had nothing to compare to her. She had the look and the talk, and she knew how to charm men. Me, I didn’t have that. I was afraid to flirt with guys especially around Mim because I was worried she would say I was being silly and acting like a teenager. I looked up to Mim and I didn’t want her to think I was stupid.
The Saturday I got my P’s Mim was still away so I went over to James’s house to share the good news with him. We sat talking for a while, then watched a bit of television. The feelings were getting stronger between us and I knew he could feel it to. The next day he came to visit and we just talked for a while again.
Those few days I couldn’t believe how well I was doing. I was actually losing my appetite and couldn’t eat. But I put it down to that was the week James and I got together.
It was so nice to have someone feel this way about me and to want to spend time with me. It was strange too. Initially we spent a fair amount of time together as a new couple. It was mainly in the night time or early in the morning.
I was now doing my voluntary work at the preschool, two days a week, Mondays and Thursdays. James walked me down to the preschool both mornings of the week and I felt unusually special. The preschool staff had nice things to stay if they saw him dropping me off and that was good. It kind of felt normal in a way to have a boyfriend and for people to ask questions about us. When I say normal I mean normal to society. Through my school days I had a few boys who were great friends but never felt confident enough to take things any further. I always assumed boyfriends were for the beautiful and could never see why anyone would ever want a relationship with someone like me. I barely had the nerve to even talk to any other guys who were out of my group.
Obviously as the previous pages have reveal I was coming out of my shell since leaving school. Working voluntarily at the preschool gave me more opportunity to
discover who I was. I felt appreciated there, and found it easier to enjoy myself naturally without worrying what anyone thought of me. To be there was extremely fulfilling. The staff and the children both appreciated me and demonstrated this in various ways. The children did this just through their natural ability of trusting and having fun with me. To have the children literally hang off me was an obvious indication that they liked me. The staff often included me in everything, making it easy for us to sometimes forget I was only voluntary. The tasks were shared equally (such as cleaning, preparing paints etc) and there was no unfairness as in giving me the tedious and meaningless tasks. At times I was even entrusted to read to the children, or hand out the fruit. I was given a go at many things and gained a lot of experience. I felt I also contributed to the preschool myself by bringing in my violin occasionally and also my kangaroo Furgus for the children to observe and learn about. He soon went off to rehabilitation to be released.
Being at he preschool really boosted my confidence and gave me more insight as to what I wanted to do in life. I had never considered child care up until now, but I realized it was something I could do and could do naturally. To love and enjoy the children’s company was a blessing, then to receive it back was so worthwhile and gratifying.
The string quartet was advancing nicely. We rehearsed regularly up at Vicki’s house having lots of fun. We averaged about two functions to play for a month, and were able to pocket money from all of them. We built up a wide repertoire of music and I continued to arrange music into four part harmony for us. From time to time we branched off to play duets. In this case it was usually Jess and myself. It didn’t happen very often, but was good for the experience.
Jess and I built a stronger friendship over time. I quite often found myself at her place having a meal with Jess, her husband Chris and baby Kate. The meal thing was a bit scary because I was not in a position to run to the toilet quickly afterwards. Their flat was very small, and I was most afraid of being heard. The only thing I could do was eat very little. Sometimes I just didn’t care because I was having too much fun to even worry about it. What felt important to me was the fact that they wanted to spend time with me and proved this by inviting me over often. I sometimes felt wary of this always afraid that sooner or later they would get sick of me, but it didn’t appear the case. Eventually I felt able to trust Jess to tell her most things and I opened up a fair bit to her, especially with things about James. We talked at great lengths about our relationship and she tried cautioning me about him. She was just looking out for me in general to make sure the relationship didn’t move to fast. Vicki and Fiona were the same, keeping a watchful eye and trying to make sure I wasn’t going to get hurt.
Regrettably the relationship with James moved faster than I had wished. Most nights at his house started out watching some show on television. Sooner or later we would start kissing, and our hands moved over each other. We usually ended up on his bed kissing and touching each other, but not having intercourse. Most nights he pushed and pushed for me to have sex with him, but I always persisted with a no. I was scared that it was too early in the relationship to do this and it would end up to be all the relationship was made up of. I was also scared because it would have been my first time. Eventually only a couple of weeks later I gave in. Part of me was just curious, and I wanted to know what it was like. The other part was giving in because I was afraid of being dumped if I kept on refusing. I can’t say it was the most pleasant experience for a first time. I felt like a little rag doll being poked into without any thought or consideration. There was no gentleness about it at all. He got what he wanted, or so it felt, so it didn’t matter how I felt throughout it. It wasn’t discussed much afterwards, then the next week we broke up. Never had I felt so used or so naïve. This situation made me feel imperfect, as though I was not good enough for him, not exactly how he would want a girlfriend to be. I was then ashamed for having let it happen.
* * * * *
Before this all happened Mim had moved out of home to live in a house on the corner of our street with a friend of hers, Steve. I visited her often because I really missed her. Sometimes I had meals there to and I managed them quite well. Mum wasn’t paying much attention to my eating habits at this stage, she was barely eating herself. Occasionally she heated up a McCain microwave meal for herself and I was able to have what I wanted. In some ways it was better not to have to sit down every night for a meal, but I wasn’t really benefiting from it at all. There was no routine and I began picking at small foods.
Even though Mim only lived on the corner I missed having her in the actual house. As well as missing her I was jealous of her. She had moved out of home, and was no longer under the control of anyone. She didn’t have to put up with mum’s moods anymore. I was always the one who desired to make a clean break and get out. I wanted to live in a house where I could do anything I wanted, to leave the doors open, to know the neighbours. I felt closed in in our house. Mum hated going out and rarely did so, and tried preventing us from going out. The house appeared dark and glum. It was no wonder I liked spending time at Mim’s. She made a break and all I could feel was desertion. How could I blame her though. She needed her independence and freedom, something she wasn’t getting at home. Mum relied heavily on Mim to do many things for her which would have been a fair bit of pressure for Mim.
Unfortunately within only weeks of moving in Steve proved to be a complicated house mate. This was causing Mim a lot of grief and she had to decide whether to keep him there or not.

unplanned things

It’s funny how sometimes the unplanned things

lead to paths you would never imagine choosing yourself

　

In the middle of the year the CES (Community Employment Service) organised and held a course for unemployed people to gain skills in different areas. Mim and I both completed this course together. The subjects included bartending, waitressing, computers, cooking, first aid, and learning how to drive. The driving lessons were the main make up and reason for the course. Our lessons were all paid for, and if we got our license first test that was also paid for. It felt a bit degrading at first to do the course simply because of pride and to be unemployed was not where I wanted to be. I couldn’t complain though because everything was paid for and we were gaining more experience in many areas, specially driving. It was a funny mix of people doing this course. There was a vast age range to begin with going from 17 to 50. Some of the people had such a mediocre attitude towards employment. They were so uncaring and preferred to stay on the dole and let the government look after them. I think it was effort enough for them to turn up to class and even then they didn’t put in much effort. Some of the teachers didn’t help though. They gave the impression that they were superior and we were nothing because we had no work. It was difficult working with people like that because all it makes you want to do is rebel. The cooking classes were a challenge because I had to, with Mim’s help think of excuses not to eat what we had cooked.
Eating was actually beginning to drive me crazy now. With doing this course I was waking up earlier, eating earlier, getting hungry at early intervals and I ended up on what felt like a never-ending cycle of eating. Once I told Deanne everything I had eaten thinking it was a lot. She pulled out all this plastic food and showed me everything a person should eat in a day. It was based on all the five food groups. This totally blew me away, especially when she compared it to the small amount I was eating. It probably equated to one quarter if not less of what she showed me. I wondered how on earth anyone could fit so much food into them, and not have a problem.
I couldn’t get away with not eating at tech because I was with Mim every day. Little by little what I was eating seemed more and more. It wasn’t that I was increasing my food intake at all, it was just that I was eating regularly. I didn’t feel the terrible
hunger pains, therefore I simply felt fat. I became very easily frustrated with all things. Mum was seriously starting to annoy me. She doubted that I was even trying to eat better, and questioned everything I did. One day I decided to be honest with her and show her a chart I had filled in for Deanne stating what I had eaten. Mum laughed when she saw it and said I must be lying. If I were to eat as much as I had written down she’d need to buy more food so she argued. Everything I had written was true because I didn’t see the point in lying to the dietician at the time because she’d find out anyway. So, naturally it really hurt when mum said I was a liar. She also clearly said that people like me are extremely selfish. I felt much disrespect when she said things like this. Quite often I tried to share with her when I had a good food week and all she did was belittle and undermine me with negative comments.
The unemployment course was moving along well. It was quite fun working in classes with Mim. We were both getting to know the other people in the course. Despite the fact that they had an attitude problem towards work, they were still nice and easy going people. It was better to associate well with the others than to feel superior or better than them in reality we are no better than others, it’s just really how your attitude is and what you do about certain situations. We all had quite a few laughs together. I managed to earn the nickname of “spilly” or “drippy”. This was a result of my many attempts to serve drinks on a tray but always spilling them. It wasn’t an insult or anything so I didn’t mind. I thought it was quite funny actually. Some days some of us ditched class and walked down town together. The classes we skipped were generally those with teachers who felt extremely superior to us and really looked down on unemployed people.
The driving lessons were never missed. As scary as they were they were also fun and obviously valuable lessons. Unfortunately mum never allowed us to practice in her car. So our only lessons we had were when we had time with the driving instructor. It felt weird driving. The weirdest part of it was taking the control of something, knowing I was in sole charge of operating this object. Our instructor was great. He never made you feel stupid, he only corrected whatever mistake you made with a nice manner. He made sure he said the positives of your driving. The day before my actual driving test he mentioned to Mim that he might give me a quick lesson in an automatic and I may have to take my test in this car. This was because he thought I wasn’t getting the hang of gear changes.
Mim told me this and I was devastated. Now this was a time at which I felt very incapable. Thankfully he decided against his and decided to see how I would go. Mim was away on holiday the weekend of my driving test. I was so nervous. Mim had gotten her license only the week before, and now it was my turn. I totally psyched myself up for it wearing my favourite clothes, wearing my special ring, and even listening to a Mozart piano concerto (meant to help the brain) before hand. Quite surprisingly I passed my test. I couldn’t believe it.
Aside form driving lessons, another compulsory requirement of the course was to complete two weeks of work experience at any place of our choice. For my first week I selected to do this at a vet hospital. At the time I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get into veterinary science or not, but this week really clarified it for me. I realised that this kind of work was definitely not for me. I often felt nauseous observing operations, even only minor ones. I’m not sure if it was the actual look of them or the fact that I hadn’t eaten that made me feel this way. One operation was to take a small piece of wood out of a dog’s leg. I nearly managed to pass out with this one. I also think I had too much compassion for the animals. I saw a gorgeous Maltese terrier in a cage one day who looked rather healthy. I queried the vet as to what was wrong with him. Sadly he told me he was being put down because his owners were going on holiday and as he was getting old they thought it easier to put him down. It broke my heart. The vet said it so casually as if it happened frequently.
The duties I did enjoy were walking the dog’s around the yard, grooming them, or even cleaning out their cages. Grooming the animals was fun because it was taking pride in something. My biggest problem however was feeling and acting rather shy. I barely spoke, and if I did I only felt as though I was a major nuisance. The day I became sick and was sent home was a blessing to me. I wished I was sick every other day there. The only other thing that was great about being there was my freedom not
to eat. I saw it as a week off. I had no one watching me. Mim wasn’t there to keep an eye on me and that was great. I was sick of eating and pretending it was okay. I made a conscious effort to not eat. It was hard for the first day or two because I was so accustomed to eating and my body just wanted food. Yet to feel those hunger pains again was significant. I was comforted that they still existed. To feel them and ignore them was such an accomplishment. I didn’t have to undergo the feeling of guilt because of food entering my stomach. No, I rejoiced at the growls of hunger and the light headedness. I had control back and that meant success. I could feel the pain yet deny it and from that I could only feel I was succeeding.

No apples a day makes the dietitian stay

The first doctor I saw was some man called a psychiatrist. He did absolutely nothing for me, but on the other hand I wasn’t exactly being co-operative. I was angrier at the fact that I had been discovered and wasn’t given my own chance to tell them about it. I guess I probably would not have told them, because I was always waiting to lose that extra bit of weight before telling anyone. So, because of that, I wasn’t wholehearted about getting help. My goal was still to lose a few more kilos.
The sessions to the dietician and counsellor soon followed. My first appointment with a dietician was in April, one month before my birthday. I didn’t know what to think, how to act or anything. That day was pretty traumatic actually because just before my appointment Jody rang to tell there was a dog attack at their place. Harley had been injured and two died. I was rather stressed about that so I wasn’t really worried about the dietician. Her name was Deanne, and she was such a caring person. The main goal she had for me was to get me eating regular meals, and to keep dinner down. Although I didn’t like the fact about seeing people for this problem I felt better in the knowledge I could talk about it. That was the only comfort. I trusted Deanne and felt I could tell her anything. She took an interest in my life and of what was happening in it. Our appointments went from monthly to weekly as she could see no vast improvements in me. She then suggests I see a counsellor who deals with these issues. The counsellor’s name was Jenny. Yet another sweet and caring person who I felt able to trust. However I was still ashamed of my problem and I only ever told her as much as I wanted to. I never really totally told her any of my deepest emotions or about what was going on at home in regards to mum’ s alcohol. But I did talk about surface emotions. Visits to see her were also once a week. Jenny’s goal was to think of ways for me to keep busy because that was half my problem.
This year I wasn’t doing much and hadn’t yet found a job. This led to me feeling fatter and lazier. One comment I’d written in a diary was “I just feel lazy and fat when I’m at home, even if I practice my violin, or sew, or clean the cupboard, I just hate being stuck inside.” to be honest I just hated being at home. I was restless and bored, but didn’t know what I wanted out of life. I hated eating and hated even more the fact I had to eat. I filled out forms each day to record what I had eaten, where I was, and how I felt afterwards. On these sheets I put a little “v” next to the foods I threw up, and sometimes it would end up being the whole days worth of food. That meant anything up to 8 times. It was often easier not to eat just so I wouldn’t have to throw up. The emotional column of these sheets never gave any particular indication of when my eating patterns were worse or better. Basically my goal had not been reached, I didn’t like who I was, therefore I was not happy with eating.
One thing I was happy with was our quartet. I enjoyed spending time with all of them because I felt appreciated, and never judged. In actual fact they admired what I did for them by way of writing music out. They actually made me feel special, and for once I didn’t feel inferior. Jess and I had developed a closer friendship as well. On my birthday they all planned to have a little celebration for me. Jess baked a cake, and Vicki and Fiona set up decorations for a mini party. It was unreal. Only a few days after this our quartet was to perform at a wedding. It was our first paid job and naturally we were extremely nervous. Jess at this stage was nine months pregnant. That morning her and I were walking around town and she stated how she felt different. We both tried to laugh it off. We got to the church where we all set up ready to play. Everything went very smoothly and we played beautifully. Then halfway through the wedding Jess’s waters broke. She made it through the rest of the wedding then her husband rushed her to hospital. Jess had a little girl named Kate. So gladly the wedding and the birth were successful and beautiful.
I was still involved in the Youth Orchestra, and had since joined two other music groups. One was Salon Orchestra (lead by Mrs Robertson), and the other was a string group called Sinfonia. Salon orchestra was for adults and I quite enjoyed this group because I felt I wasn’t watched out for to be picked on. Sinfonia was fantastic. It was a dream of mine to be involved in a string ensemble such as this. I was even given the opportunity to play first violins. This thrilled me to bits because I was never given this opportunity in youth orchestra. I wasn’t thrilled about remaining in Youth Orchestra because that’s exactly who it was for…youth. But somehow I felt obliged. I remained in second violins and was actually demoted to the back row because I was no longer a school student. I think they tried their hardest to make people like me feel less important. It didn’t bother too much though because I had reached a stage where I knew I didn’t like the orchestra so there was no importance as to where I sat. Eventually I stopped going to rehearsal for youth orchestra and only made an appearance when they needed me. I stopped caring about what they thought of me and how I played the violin. The thing was, I knew I could play well enough, but never had the chance to let this show. So I let them believe I was never good enough and eventually believed it myself. I lost confidence in orchestra and allowed myself to be sucked in by their negative comments. I was glad to have left orchestra and discover the abilities I had. I will never be a great violinist, but too be a good violinist and enjoy what I do is more important.
I had recently become a part member of the Musical Society orchestra to play in Oliver. Initially I was to play 1^st violins, which thrilled me to bits. Then one day Kim informed me they would prefer to have more experienced players in 1^st violins. I was totally deflated. I went home and told mum and Mim who were both very sympathetic and understanding. Mum suggested I quit the orchestra if it’s going to make me feel useless like this. I considered this option but realised by doing this I wouldn’t really get anywhere. Although sometimes I wondered if Val even wanted me in the orchestra. I thought maybe she was plotting these things against me so I would quit. I wasn’t going to let her get the better of me anyway and really wanted to prove myself as a capable violinist. One night I was able to do this too. The girl who was meant to do the solos lost confidence and couldn’t do it. Without thinking I played this part. I played it confidently and played it well. Kim was impressed too. I was then able to continue playing firsts, which meant a lot to me. It just annoyed me how people like her got to me. They made themselves look good and in the process put other people down not considering their feelings. The thing was that this other girl had professional violin lessons down in Sydney and her whole family was musical so it was assumed that she was perfect. I on the other hand had lessons here and there, had a non-musical family, and I wasn’t well known. It made me feel like I wasn’t important enough and wasn’t going to get anywhere in life. Being unemployed didn’t help matters at all.
I was once in earshot of a person talking about unemployed people. She stated her opinion of unemployed people being lazy and bludging off other people. This offended me very seriously but I just did not have the confidence to speak up for myself. Ironically I was worried about hurting her feelings. Not all unemployed are the same. I
admit it is hard to find the motivation to look for work especially when there is nothing in the kind of work you are looking for. What I wanted the most was a job or a course to get me out of the house so I would be less focussed on food.
The unemployment situation was getting no better. I was getting easily frustrated with myself and feeling useless. The fact that I had no set goals didn’t help much. All my school friends were at university planning out their next few years of life. Me, I stayed at home doing nothing achieving nothing and not knowing what I wanted to do. I had thoughts of either working at a zoo, or in hospitality. The zoo idea was appealing because I had a real love for animals. What I thought would be great was to get involved in a captive-breeding program for the koala population. I knew that would never happen because realistically I was no good at sciences or biology. I think I more pursued the notion of looking after the koalas or other wildlife animals, not in particularly breeding them. If I had my way then I would have taken in any orphaned animal from WIRES and fostered them all. However mum would have had different thoughts and considering it was her house I had to respect that.
My next hopeful plan was to work in hospitality. I really liked the idea of working on some resort or travelling around. It was mainly an escape thing in some ways. At first the thought of being a cook was appealing. I imagined creating all these fancy meals and not having to eat any of it. I had a strange fascination with food still, until my problem was discovered. From then on, working with food seemed very undesirable. I now had to eat food at set times and I hated it. So, I definitely disliked the thought of working with food. Being a waitress seemed too boring. I wanted a career, not just a job. I wanted to feel worthwhile in what I was doing.

when a secret is no longer your own

We all know that normal people look at us differently, as if we have a problem. But it never is a problem until it is discovered and talked about. Until then the whole topic is totally avoided.

The holiday itself was interesting. It rained the whole time. The zoo was closed the day we wanted to go, and we were involved in a car crash in Julie’s car. Naturally this shook us up. It’s not every day that one expects to have a car crash while on holiday. The car was not driveable so we had to catch a bus back to our motel and arrange alternative transport to get back to home. With everyone stressed out about all of this and still getting over the car crash I didn’t think anyone would take notice of me going to the toilet after a meal. WRONG! Mim cottoned on straight away and raced in after me. Sprung, I couldn’t believe it. I was so shocked she caught me that I was at a loss for words. All I did was cry and said I didn’t mean to do it. I was serious though. I didn’t mean to do it. No one ever wants to do this kind of thing, but it’s one silly way to feel safe after a meal. Mim and I talked for a little bit about it and she asked if I’d consider getting any sort of help for it. The ironic thing is that I was going to tell them soon about it but I just didn’t know how too. I sometimes had looked through the phone book to see if there were any phone numbers to ring up for help in this situation, but there was nothing I could find. I was so humiliated at myself for being caught. I didn’t know how to look the other’s in their eyes after this too embarrassed to think what they must have thought of me. Going to the toilet became very hard because I knew everyone was wondering why I was going. That’s why it’s better for other’s to not find out about bulimia. Going to the toilet is suddenly no longer a private affair. Anyway, after we got back home mum rang around to find some help for me.

unemployed, angry and uselss

Being at home with no employed work still frustrated me. I was serious about finding work too but I just never got any. I had had a few interviews but obviously no successful ones. I applied mainly for waitressing jobs. I still had an interest in food and cooking, so I considered enrolling in a course to become a short order cook. Thankfully nothing came out of it. Since giving up Harley I felt a bit useless to the WIRES team, so I decided to join the fundraising committee. Not the greatest sort of meetings to get involved in though considering how quiet I was then. I had fantastic ideas on how we could raise money, but I never put any of them forward because I wondered why on earth would anyone listen to an idea of mine. So I sat at the meetings quiet as a mouse only speaking if spoken to. I didn’t last long on the committee because once again I felt ineffective.
One area I didn’t feel ineffective in was music. Our little music group was going strong. Even if we weren’t rehearsing for anything we still had get togethers at Vicki’s house. Sometimes I noticed the tension between Vicki and Fiona. I heard both sides of the argument and often realised that Vicki was just being the mother and was looking out for her daughter. Being a teenager Fiona resented any advice given to her by her mother. I usually came home to tell mum about this trying to squeeze in there how I understood what Fiona was feeling but also that Fiona needed to respect Vicki more. I said it all in the knowledge that that was how I was at the same age. I thought it’d be great to have a mum like Vicki at times. She was always on the go doing something exciting. She had the wackiest sense of humour but it was fun.
When I wasn’t spending time up there Mim and I were both visiting Julie. She now only lived a few streets away with Daniel, and their little baby Mary. We spent endless night there eating dinner and playing games. I felt at this time Julie’s relationship and mine had changed slightly. She appeared to treat me in a more adult way which was great. Some nights Mim and I took turns babysitting Mary while the other of us went out to the clubs with Julie. I was never much into going clubbing so I much preferred to babysit. One day Mim, mum and I were sitting outside talking when Julie arrived obviously upset about something. Her and Daniel had a disagreement about something and she had to get away. Mum being her usual self decided this girl really does need to get away, and within two days mum, Mim, Julie, Mary, and I were going on a holiday to Coffs Harbour. This was a holiday that changed many things for me.