Sometimes you wonder what on earth is God doing. Now I can see how He has really worked on my personality and confidence through this.

My first day at work was an absolute shocker. Initially my fears were the staff would not like me, and that I would be too quiet and never fit in. but I was completely thrown in the deep end with this job. I never thought I would get through it and quite often in my first week there I contemplated leaving. When I started, our director Julia went on maternity leave. The other worker went on stress leave. The others were just casuals and we all only knew as much as each other about the centre. Being the only full time, permanent employee I realised that more was put on to me. I went home crying every single day wondering why God put me in such a horrible position. Even the fact that my group were the 2-3 yr olds instead of preschoolers really depressed me. I prayed that either another job would come available, or that some changes occur quickly here.
Let me add in here that work has been such a blessing to me. Three years later I can see the benefits of being thrown into the deep end. It has made me such a more confident person and I feel I play the role that I should at work. That, I think, has a lot to do with having to learn everything first hand at work. I still am with the 2-3 year olds and actually am in charge of that room. I would not give my toddlers up for anything now. They give an unconditional love to those they trust, and by the way they look up to me (no I am not being vein). To me, trust is something that is earned. If you haven’t earned a child’s trust you would know it, because that child would not have the confidence to sit on your lap, or to run up to you the moment they arrive. This is how I know the children like and trust me.
Jenny came on the scene as a casual the first week I started. She is a beautiful and such a fun person. I looked forwards to the Thursday and Friday when I knew she would be in because she had such high spirits which kept me going I think. Jenny funnily enough picked up on my ridiculous eating habits, such as nothing, or maybe a few slices of cucumber. She often had a laugh about this, and even reminds me of it today.
I never bothered to take lunch to work because we never used to get lunch breaks. It didn’t bother me one bit at all. Occasionally Judi brought in a block of chocolate just so we could munch on something yummy during the day. We were all so stressed that at least we had something to look forwards too.
I really looked up to Jenny, and felt a closeness with her because she is so motherly. Again there goes me looking for a mother in someone who is not mine. She has three of her own children. As things continued to change at work, Jenny informed us that at this time she couldn’t work with us anymore. I was absolutely devastated about this. She was the one person I could talk to easily at work then, and who I felt valued the work that I did.
Jenny came with me for my graduation night at tech. It was important to have her come along, especially since she offered to come, and she wanted to come. I felt awkward seeing my old tafe friends though, only because I withdrew from everyone in the last few weeks of tech. I wasn’t at their level, and was different. I didn’t do drugs or sleep around. That was my choice though, and knowing that made it easier to deal with and to be honest I really didn’t care about losing their friendships. In some ways I look back on it and realise that Hanna was probably sick of hearing about the eating disorder shit, and wanted to have real conversations with people. The others I was never close to like I was with Hanna, so it honestly didn’t matter. That night my biggest concern was did I look skinny enough, or did anyone think I put on weight. Nobody said a thing about appearance. I did look skinny though wearing a size 8 pair of tight pants, but they were actually too big for me. Arriving there I suddenly had nothing to talk about with any one. There was a lot of general chit chat, but all pointless. None of us cared about the other receiving their Associate Diploma, sad as that is to say. I do know that I cared that Jenny was there to watch and take a photo.
Not eating became more of a hard task. Although I didn’t bring lunch it never stopped me nibbling on biscuits and fruit. Using more energy I became more hungry. It was so depressing losing the control I thought I had. I kept my walking up, and walked to Hazelbrook station every morning. But it never felt like enough because I was eating more. Sometimes I was even tempted to make and eat dinner which would be these disgusting fat and gluten free noodles with vegetables.
It seemed selfish to be depressed because I had so much, especially a job. Except I felt so rotten some days. I think it was mainly from the big lifestyle change and not being able to control my hunger.
I had stopped seeing the counsellor and dietitian now. There was no point. Hey I was eating so that obviously meant nothing was wrong.

how prayers can work when you least expect them too

The next fortnight was filled with many unexpected turns. The day after I spoke to the minister’s my desire to get to hospital almost came true, but for other reasons. I have to admit I am grateful that it didn’t end up happening then.
I was walking home from the shops and this awful sick feeling slowly crept over me. It was as though I had eaten the wrong food or something but I knew it wasn’t that because I hadn’t eaten anyway. As soon as I got home I just laid on my bed because I just could not move. The pain was unbearable. I fell asleep until the evening and woke up feeling even worse. I tried going back to sleep but spent at least three quarters of the night vomiting absolutely nothing. I was in such tremendous pain and was becoming very weak. Lana tried to keep my fluids up so I wouldn’t dehydrate, but I couldn’t even keep any of that down. By that afternoon Lana was so worried about me. I was at the point where I couldn’t even walk to get to the bathroom. She packed some of my clothes and we were off to the hospital. Every now and then in the waiting room a wave of blackness came over me, but nothing happened. Finally I was taken to a room and assessed. It turned out to be that famous gastro bug but a very severe case of it. The nurse tried to give me a needle but because I was so tense she couldn’t find a vein. She tried about three times to stick a needle in me but failed each time. So, she gave me tablets instead. I was monitored for about the next 2 hours then could finally go home. I had completely run out of energy now and just couldn’t wait to get into my bed.
The next day I felt a little better so I went to have a shower. That left me in bed again for the rest of the day because it was such a tiring event. That night I got a phone call from a child care centre in Springwood to tell me I had an interview on Monday for the job I applied for. I couldn’t believe it. I decided not to get my hopes up though, but just prayed about it instead.
Donna came over the next night because I was meant to baby sit the boys but I really wasn’t feeling up to it. I felt so down and wondered if I would ever get better. I was still so exhausted and to even eat a tiny bit was a struggle. Keeping it down was even harder. The one time I want to keep food in me and I actually can’t. I was so scared that I wouldn’t get better. The prospect of a job though really made me more determined and I pushed myself to do things. I was utterly worn out by the end of the day but I knew I had to keep going.
I told a few people at church about my interview so they could pray about it to. I felt well prepared for the interview on the Monday night, and wasn’t even anxious or nervous. The thing I was most worried about was if I had the correct time and place for it because I was so sick when he had told me where to go. It seemed extremely unusual to have an interview for a preschool job at a solicitors office at 6:30pm. But it was right. I have to admit it was rather intimidating to have a panel of about five people interview me. Some of them spoke at the same time which was nerve wrecking because I didn’t know who to answer first. I was actually honest in the way I answered questions, not giving the make believe answers I knew they wanted, but instead the answers which seemed sensible, and what I had knowledge on. It was quite funny though because they asked me where I would like to live and I said I was going to move back home or go to Queensland. The interview was actually good, and I wasn’t worried at all. I figured if God wanted me to have that job then I would get it.
The next two days I scored some casual work at the preschool I did my final prac at. It was such a confidence boost to be offered work, especially when I had felt so low about being unemployed. While at work one day I received a phone call for another interview for an Out of School Hours job I applied for. I felt confident about this interview too. All I had to do now was wait and see which job I would get, if any at all. Funnily enough God answered our prayers about finding me stability and work and I got both jobs.
One night while I was babysitting for my friends Andrew and Sophie, my mobile rings. It was the Child Care. Initially my heart fell to the floor, but it came straight back up when he told me I was accepted and I had the job. All sorts of emotions ran through me, and I didn’t know whether I wanted to laugh or cry. Being a long day care centre meant I only get four weeks of holiday throughout the year, thus meaning less trips up home. I thought realistically about this for a while and realised that God gave me this job for a reason and that reason could be stability. Rather than feel like the lost little person roaming here to there not really knowing where I should be, I now had a full time job in the area I already live in. Maybe such instability was unhealthy for my eating disorder, because every time I went up home I felt the need to get skinnier each time I went up there, just so I could appear different to others and they could see me achieve something. I got a buzz out of the shock factor every time I went home and people noticed how much weight I had lost.

at a total loss

I had reached a stage where I thought God had writers block in my life plan. I was at my wits end, and spiralling into despair.

I went straight home after the final exam and stayed for about a week. While I was there I applied for a job at a children’s centre . I had high hopes about this one because that would at least give me a clue to where I was supposed to live. I figured if God wanted me back here with Mim at that time then I would get the job. Well I got a slap in the face with that one. Instead of God just closing a door to an opportunity, He closed the whole centre down. I was certain by that fact that I wasn’t meant to have that job. I had to go back to Lawson a few days after this because I did mange to get myself a vacation job at the Out of School Hours Care I did my prac at. The most unfortunate thing about this was that I knew it would only last throughout the holidays.
It was only two weeks after the end of Tafe but already I felt so useless not having a job. The worst part was that I was in absolute limbo as to where I should live. I even considered moving to Queensland for a change of atmosphere. But it was gradually sinking in anyway that I was unemployed, and each day began to seem worthless.
The good thing about it was that I could fit more exercise in. even if it rained I was determined to fit a walk in to Hazelbrook. I was absolutely drenched by the end of it but I didn’t care.
I simply didn’t care about anything actually. I had completely lost all enthusiasm in everything. Even talking to Mim became hard on the phone because I felt that my life was too boring to even share with her. Secretly I wished I wasn’t around anymore. I tried even harder not to eat and in hope that I may somehow end up in hospital and I would no longer have to worry about making my own stupid decisions. it was such a selfish thought and I didn’t even think about how Mim would have felt. I had only just finished reading Diary of Anne Frank, and it ended with her sister dying. It brought me to tears because although I found it difficult at the time to talk with Mim, I could never imagine life without her. I never thought about how she’d feel about life without me.
Being out of Tafe, and unemployed made it so much harder to avoid going to people’s houses for dinner. I was invited a couple of times to the Poultons house for dinner, and I couldn’t make up any excuse for not going. I felt like absolute crap having to eat a meal. I wanted more to be able to go there and push the plate away and make a point that I hate food. But no, my weakness got the better of me and I ate. How on earth are people meant to believe I have an eating disorder if I am seen eating??? What they don’t realise is that it’s what goes on inside the head, not what I look like, or if I ate. They have no idea that eating is such a drama!
The whole unemployment thing was really starting to get me down. I didn’t want just any old job, I wanted to work with children. But because I was registered with Centrelink I had to prove I was looking for work in all areas. To do this I had to walk around and get employers signatures to say I came in looking for work. I never wanted the work so it wasn’t that bad that I was refused all the time, it was how degrading it felt that bothered me the most.
I went up home again for Courtney’s 1^st birthday. I started to become really annoyed at them for always making me eat. I hated the control and manipulation they had over me in regard to food. I think it was the fact that they always made such a big deal about trying to make me eat that made it so annoying. Other than the food issues I wasn’t as depressed here. I knew how much little Courtneyloved me and that is one thing that will always keep me going.
While I was there I asked Lee to come with me to see mums plaque on her grave. It was so weird seeing it. I felt as though I should cry, but I just couldn’t. it’s not that I wasn’t still sad about mums death, it was just odd to see her name on a plaque. And to cry over that seemed a bit odd. After I got home Mim and I had fun pigging out on icecream (surprisingly I actually enjoyed it). It was choc chip icecream and we pretended we were gold digging for the choc chips.
I was still seeing the dietitian and counsellor in Penrith occasionally. I don’t know why I ever bothered though. Shelly never listened to anything what I told her. I always left that place feeling more depressed. I went there each time hoping that just maybe she would help me but she never did. After getting back from home Shelly tried the “we’ll put you in hospital” routine again. Although I secretly wanted to be there, I never let her know any of this and instead challenged her on it. I questioned how forcing someone to eat is actually going to make them better. It didn’t make sense to me, except to make the person physically better. The most appealing thing about hospitalisation was that it is where true anorexics go. So in order to feel like I was on the right road there I cut my food intake yet again. All I ate was rice cakes, alfalfa, and tomato. These foods were so low in kilojoules, and less than a cup of tea.
My moods were changing constantly again, and I became so withdrawn and depressed. I seriously thought that I had no place on this earth. I floated along talking to few people here and there from church, but I felt of so little importance to them. Being unemployed was such an embarrassment, especially when people asked what I did. I began to wonder if I would ever find a job. One afternoon I quickly dropped in at the minister’s on my way home. Bonnie so nicely told me I looked frazzled and grumpy, and asked me what was wrong. I knew I couldn’t lie and answer with “nothing” because I just don’t think she’d believe me. So I just said “I don’t know’ and suddenly started crying uncontrollably. Bonnie gave me the hug I so desperately wanted and we started to talk things over. It was so hard to describe how I felt, and the best way I could do it was to say that God has writers block at the moment and is not sure what He wants to do with my life at the moment. I went on to explain how worthless I felt. Rob and Bonnie both prayed for me that I may have some direction in my life.

the process of grieving

Realising how you feel is not always a good thing, sometimes it can become very confusing

　
It was our last year at tech. Our biggest project was to write a report on any topic at all of our choice, providing it was relevant to children. Naturally my first idea was anorexia in young children. But to actually find information on that was absolutely ridiculous. So, my next idea was on how do children cope when a parent dies. It is not a concept I ever gave much consideration too. I naively thought that parents are meant to be there until you are married, and have your own children. That thought was instantly changed once mum died, and I realise that little children may even have to deal with this.
Step one of this project, for myself, was too obtain as many books as I could on the topic of death, and grieving. The first book I found was called “
I came to realise that the process of grieving may actually take many years. Being one who always kept feelings to myself, (or told the dog) I never really told anyone how I felt about mum dying. I can speak easily to people about any problems, but never how I feel deep down. My problem is though that I just don’t know how to open up to people. I so desire someone for closeness to help me feel secure (and for the interest of readers I do not mean a boyfriend, I mean anybody I can solely trust!!) . I
constantly avoid mother’s day, and now even father’s day. I had made time to see a bereavement counsellor for the project, but was listening very closely to the different stages of grief. I briefly told her about mum and how I felt, and she actually advised me to see a bereavement counsellor who deals with adults. Unfortunately I never did this.
I had actually became so involved in this project that it became all I worked on. I slept it, dreamt it, ate it and drank it. It was a great way to avoid eating at all, because it meant not being able to go out much. I would stay up til all hours typing away at this project. More so because the more I read and wrote, the more I understood about grieving.
I soon had to put that on hold for a while because we had our final two weeks of prac to complete. Mine was at a long day care centre in Springwood. I absolutely loved this prac. The staff were all so caring and helpful, and also encouraging. This centre provided meals which they did try and encourage me to eat but I wouldn’t have a bar of it. They laughed at me when I took at my eency weency container full with lettuce, alfalfa and tomato. They were my safe foods for the first few days there because I knew how low in kilojoules they were. I was also known for high amounts of tea consumption there. After the first few days of bringing salad it became very tiresome, so I just had an extra cup of tea to compensate for it. The staff there continuously commented on me losing weight even in the short time I was there. That was the encouragement I liked to hear. They were really supportive with all of my work , but to hear I was losing weight was the best. My prac teacher came to see me twice. She was such a lovely teacher and was extremely pleased with my work. But as much as I liked her I still saw her as my enemy because she was so skinny. To this day I don’t know if it is natural or not, but I do know how mad it made me. Somehow we quite often got talking about food etc. She thought my eating habits were rather insufficient (but how could one piece of toast and tea all day be insufficient??) but said no more. The staff began to make numerous comments throughout the day about my eating and weight. They diagnosed me as “anorexic” and actually questioned me if I had become “anorexic” after mum had died. I denied that I even had a problem although I knew did. But because I was back to the 40-41kg mark I assumed I was too fat.

* * * *

Back at tech, and in our final weeks. So basically it was party time. I had finally finished my project and had come to the conclusion that grief takes a bloody long time. There are so many stages in it, but each one taken when and if appropriate, and some may even happen twice. We had to do a report presentation to our class and I surprised myself by getting an “A”.
Suddenly our final exam crept up on us. I had reached burn out point just before this and was at a loss as to what to study. It was all so repetitive. Instead I often found myself going for long walks just to clear my mind. My brain barely functioned and I was just worn out. I went into the exam room not stressed at all, and came out of it feeling mightily relieved.
For the next few weeks I panicked about failing because I knew that not eating would affect the way I thought. But I can gladly say that I passed with flying colours.

1999 living on bare minimum

1999

A few days later I went back to Lawson. And not long after that Tafe started back. This was the last year at tafe. It was only a semester long. Every Wednesday we were to do our prac at an Out of School Hours centre (OOSH). I really loved this, spending time with older children and looking out for their needs. Funnily enough I kept an eye on the quieter ones and tried to take an interest in them. We developed quite a trust and I felt privileged when they came to talk to me about their day. My biggest fear for any pre-adolescent is their developing low self esteem which may turn into an eating disorder. I would never wish this thing on a single soul ever!! I remember one girl who was 9 was a bit funny about her food. Of course this grabbed my attention and I questioned her about it. Sadly she told me that she thinks she is fat. I reassured her that she wasn’t and that she still needed all types of food to grow healthily. I don’t know how much she took in, or how serious her comment was even, but I tried!!

Living on Bare Minimum

Sometimes I even regret having consumed what little I did. I only wonder how much more skinnier would I be if I hadn’t eaten that

After getting back to Lawson I went into my normal eating habits - not much. A day’s food list consisted of 1 dry cruskit, 3 cups of tea, and a bottle of coke. That gradually decreased to tea all day and possibly a small freddo frog (which of course I felt guilty about).
I was becoming extremely depressed about this time and I couldn’t explain my feelings. I was never a person to open up. I could talk to people how I felt i.e. tell them a problem I was having, but never letting them into my real emotions. I became more and more depressed after every holiday up home. I missed Mim and Courtney like crazy. I had written in my diary on 12-4-99 “ok, so I’m really homesick, just thinking about Mim and Courtney gets me depressed…Mim and Courtney are my family and when I was there with them I was just so happy…”

{ 28-1-02

I just have to say this now, so a better picture is made when reading on. Although it appeared that James and I had a terrible time getting on before, that is just in there because it was stuff that did happen and did affect me. However, James and I have a pretty good friendship going and I consider him as much my family as Mim, Courtney, and Jesse.}

I got myself involved in social things again to try and be happier and feel busy. Even if it was just inviting friends over. But then that usually involved food and the cycle began with being depressed, eating then feeling depressed about eating. I was on a mission still to lose weight and I even had a reward system. For every kilo I lost I could buy myself a new winter jumper. I think I only got about 4 because by that stage I was becoming too scared to try new clothes on for fear they would be too small because I felt so fat.

the ugly green eyed monster

the acts of a sinful nature are obvious…jealousy..and envy…”Gal 5:20

Jealousy can come at any moment. For me it’s when I see people living a normal life, or when I see people with a mother. It is especially when I see skinny people. I feel an incredible weight sink to the bottom of my stomach and all I want to do is cry and hide so no one can see my fat self.
I joined in with friends over the holidays, but always feel like an intruder. Pamela’s family invited me to have Chinese with them one night. It took Pamela a lot of convincing to get me there. I was ashamed to eat in front of her because she had become so skinny. You guessed it…I was jealous. .
One Sunday I spent most of the day at the Smith’s. I love spending time with them because they all have such a good time. That night we all went to see a Christian singer at St Paul’s church. My biggest fear was who am I going to see that’s skinnier than me. It drove me insane. I watched groups of friends having fun together. Then I saw skinny girls. It’s amazing how it can change your whole mood. I had become suddenly depressed and even the sad songs nearly made me cry. At the time of course I couldn’t see that all I consisted of was bones covered in some skin.
Happy families were not what we were the following few days. James and I had yet another big fight. It was over me not vacuuming my bedroom at the precise time he requested it. Instead he went in there with a hammer and proceeded to rip the carpet off the floor. My natural response was to jump up and stop him, but I soon learnt that that was a big mistake. Never get in the way of an angry man with a hammer. James pushed me out of the way and I ended up landing on the stake in a pot plant. It ripped right through my skirt and my leg. (no need to tell the next few bits).
I left and ran to the shops scared shit that he would follow me. I got on the phone and rang the Smith’s. Ellie (Pam’s younger sister) answered. I didn’t say anything except request that she pick me up. Ellie came over as soon as possible to where I was and decided to take me straight to hospital. The doctor there insisted I get stitches but I passed out as soon as he mentioned that. Instead, he put butterfly strips on and told me I had to come back to re-dress it.
I stayed with the Smiths for at least 6 nights. I had never felt so numb. I couldn’t handle losing Mim and Courtney. But I was also scared. I was scared James might come to the Smiths, or that he may do something to Mim. I had arranged with Mim to get more clothes on the provision that James was no where near the house.
I felt like I was invading the Smith’s home life by staying there, yet I didn’t even feel safe to stay in my own home. I spent a few nights on and off with Joe and Lee. I just didn’t know what to do, I felt like a complete nuisance to everyone. If I could have slipped away then I would have done it.

how much longer

14.2.02

I’ll just start by re-confirming I am not suicidal. But I do wish I could get on track with my life. My GP has put me on depression tablets which haven’t worked too well yet. The first attempt at them I was as sick as anything. It was actually my few minutes of
fame at work. The tablets made me feel extremely nauseous, so I decided to go home. Then the phone rang and I ran to answer it without seeing the balance beam and toppled right over it. It would have looked hilarious. I picked myself up then practically passed out. The tablets settled in after that, but I still didn’t feel they were working. One night I was in a deep despair and I couldn’t even say why because I didn’t really have a proper reason. Usually on nights like this I dread going to sleep I prefer to be awake and active. No one was home so it didn’t matter that I vacuumed at 3am. Eventually I decided to go to bed, but was not feeling any better. I took about 5 of the depression tablets and 8 laxatives. I don’t know what I expected to happen, I just knew that taking 5 times my dose wouldn’t be too good. After sleeping for about one hour I woke with the most unbearable stomach cramps. They were so bad it was even hard to make it to the bathroom. Once reaching my bed again all I could do was curl up and pray for the pain to go away. An immense feeling of loneliness clouded over me at this point because I realised I had no one to ring at such an awful hour and what would have happened if it was worse. I became extremely scared and just prayed to get to sleep. By the next morning I was alright and no one knew a thing.
But lately I’ve been feeling all out of place. It’s a feeling I can not describe, but it’s a mixture of anxiety, restlessness, loneliness, hopelessness. I have no desire to make the effort to spend time with my friends (which is unusual for me because I usually go out of my way). I’m worried that they all think I am too boring and depressing to spend time with. So rather than having to spend my time worrying about making the effort to appear interesting it is easier to just withdraw. So far no one has said anything so I guess it doesn’t really impact on them.
17-1-02
It’s so stuffed. I don’t eat, I don’t lose weight. I do eat I stay the same. I exercise and I can’t lose weight. Why can’t I lose weight?? I’m back on the depression tablets (I ran out for 2 weeks). I don’t even know if they are helping. The thing with me, and it always has been, is that I never really let my true feelings out. I can be bursting inside with gut wrenching sadness, yet I can’t let anyone see this. I don’t want anyone to see a side of me that might scare them away. I really do not know how others may view me, but all I know is that I won’t let any one really know how depressed and sick of myself I am.
I hate the eating disorder trapped inside me. Or should I say I hate being trapped inside the eating disorder. I am 45kgs and 5”2. I don’t feel skinny enough to get help, so I am too ashamed to even try. Found a eating disorder chat site and I wrote that down. One person replied that it doesn’t matter what weight you are at, it’s what goes on inside your head. ….too much goes on in my head! What will I have for breakfast? Toast and jam? How many kilojoules? Kilojoules, food, fat, exercise, laxatives is what consumes my mind right now. I have to think about what I can buy at the shops so I can get more laxatives. I can’t buy them on their own, I’d hate for anyone to see that. I almost bought toilet paper with them one day then realised that would look really funny. Then I wonder how many I have to take before it’s classed as serious. Apparently they don’t do anything, but I’m too scared to even try for a day not to take them.
A few days after Donna left, James’s father Tommy passed away. It was expected but still a shock. Tommy was a really great person who was kind to everybody. The day he died was a Sunday. I questioned going to church because I didn’t understand how a caring God could let this happen. Mim encouraged me to go, and I did. Lee only had to take one look at me to know that something was wrong. She embraced me without knowing what was wrong and I just cried. We went outside to talk and I told her what happened. I couldn’t stop crying. I told Lee I didn’t think God was fair, and she replied with “nothing in life is meant to be fair”. Jesus didn’t die on the cross for us to have a perfect life. Why should he be the only one who suffers. I still don’t get it today?!