To read this blog in order start at July right at the top of the blog archive and progress down in order. This is an account of my battle with anorexia and bulimia

Tuesday 19 July 2011

food, glorious food

I still wonder today if people can really consume so much food in a day

Lana made sure she packed my lunch every day. Now I’m not exactly sure if she was packing lunch just for me or if it was for my friends too. I had a smorgasbord of food every day including a sandwich, sweet biscuits, packet of jelly lollies, muesli bar, and a piece of fruit. I was never used to taking this much lunch too school, and wondered how on earth I could ever fit it all in. so, I didn’t. I shared the lollies and biscuits, gave away or threw out the muesli bar, ate the sandwich, and took home the fruit. Lana assumed I was eating everything everyday, not even noticing that each day would appear one extra piece of fruit in the bowl. Until one day when a disaster happened on the school bus home. The place where I kept my fruit was the side pocket of my school bag, I thought it was safe there, but it wasn’t. Someone walked along and accidentally stepped on it. I was horrified, how could I ever explain the squashed piece of fruit that made a mess of my school bag. Lana was quite disappointed in me when she found out I had been taking my fruit home and not eating it. It then clicked with her why I was so ravenous when I arrived home. Not much of it was discussed after this, but I knew she wasn’t impressed.
Dinner was a double smorgasbord with a plate loaded with food. We had sit down meals every night at the kitchen table. That was something different in itself for Mim and I as at home we sat in the lounge room and ate casually. They then tried a reward/punishment system. We eat dinner we get dessert, no dinner no dessert. Well the second of two things took both our fancy so we usually left some of our dinner on our plate, knowing we would not get dessert. However, they soon caught on and one night they tried to make us eat dessert even though we didn’t eat all our dinner. We bolted for our bedroom and sat in front of the door so no one could get in.
I guess having us stay with them they felt they were responsible for us in many ways, but Mim and I wanted also to do things our own way. We never wished to ask for money from them therefore seeking out other means in which to acquire those things we wanted. Quite often we spent weekends going shopping at the plaza, coming home with may things, yet none of it we had bought with any money. We stole every little thing we could think of. I sometimes wonder if Charles and Lana ever wondered how we were able to buy so many things. Thankfully our morals took over later on, and our conscience and we did break the habit.
As for food though, a game turns into a habit, which then became an addiction. Over the weeks I felt myself ballooning. I used to write to my friends back at home saying that they would not recognise me as I have gained a lot of weight. I was worried of how they would view me coming back as a bigger person, so decided I needed to do something about it. I was too embarrassed going back to Tamworth looking as I did. Sadly only now can I see that I wasn’t even near fat, but it was only because I was eating more that I felt this way. I regret every moment regarding food from then on.
It was one night after dinner when I decided that I couldn’t keep this food in my stomach. I thought if I had my shower after dinner the sound of the running water would disguise the sound of vomiting. I was so scared, scared someone would find me and scared the pipes would block up. I wasn’t afraid of actually doing it though because I had done it before, and the only thing in my mind was that I was getting rid of food.

linking with things i can't say for pour your heart out
                      twinkle in the eye for flash blog friday
                       with some grace for flog ya blog friday
                      learning to play and playing to learn flash back friday


  1. I found your blog through Pour Your Heart Out. I suffered from Anorexia for 4 years... It's been nice reading your story....

  2. Wow...this reminds me so much of me. I started throwing food out from I was about four, and lying that I had eaten it all. ...and I did the same thing with my packed lunches, gave most of it away, I only had an ornage juice and a lollipop for lunch every day. I rarey threw up though, though I did on occasion when I accidentally ate too much, but it hurts my throat so I try not to do it too much. ... :/ ... I've had less problems with food lately though, I suppose that's a good thing.

  3. Your post is a true reflection how we often forget how eating habits are so closely related to psychological issues that can evolve. As parents, we often use food as a punishment/reward system not realising how harmful that can be to our children's mindset. Thanks for sharing.