To read this blog in order start at July right at the top of the blog archive and progress down in order. This is an account of my battle with anorexia and bulimia

Wednesday 20 July 2011

food not glorious food

Food, NOT Glorious Food

I was now discovering new ways to consume less, and to lose weight. It was supposed to only last for a short time. It’s not exactly a sane person’s idea of a diet
From then on dinner seemed easier to deal with because I naively thought that everything I consumed was disappearing. I didn’t really know there was an actual name for this disease (bulimia) and that it can become a serious disease. I thought it was something I could do for the time being and just stop. Now ten years later I am still ill with it. I have since found out that it doesn’t really get rid of the nutritional content of food, it just ruins your bowels and throat and intestines and digestive system. If I knew that then I would’ve been straight to starvation, not that that is any better for you.
We stayed with Charles and Lana for another two or so months, while mum recovered in rehabilitation. She was progressing remarkably well so the doctors decided she could leave early. Mum and I went back home while Mim remained for a couple of more weeks to finish a course she was doing.
I started back at the same high school, and immediately decided to cut back on my food intake. It was a gradual cut back, therefore not too noticeable. By the end of the day however I was so hungry so would end up going home and having something to eat. It usually turned out to be 1 or two slices of cinnamon and sugar toasts. These didn’t phase me too much at the time because I never really “kept” them in my stomach. At this stage the vomiting had no real effect on me so I figured it wasn’t too bad a thing I was doing. The only real thing I could link to it was the time I passed out at sport. We were playing netball for school sports, then all of a sudden my head felt dreadfully odd. Everything was spinning, then things in front of me went all fuzzy and black. Next I knew I was on the ground. No one associated it with my eating because no one knew. I was even unaware at the time, so I didn’t really care.
The year continued on like this. I started drifting further away from my friends and became quite lonely. I felt everyone was always talking about me, or laughing about me. I just didn’t belong. One of my old friends told me I had changed, and it wasn’t for the better.
When returning home I thought it would be nice to take up violin lessons again. I had previously learnt the violin from age 8-12. Mum sought out a teacher for me so that I could learn. He was a school music teacher at another High School. I travelled up there once a week by school bus for my lessons. The more often I went there the more I desired to go to the school. It was a school established to cater for performing arts. From then I made my decision to finish my schooling at this school. I had my last two days of year nine at this school, so this way I would have a vague idea of the school, and form a few basic friendships.
It was towards the end of the year that I had joined the Regional Youth Orchestra. My position was as second violin. We had an annual tour to the coast in November, and that was quite scary. I didn’t really know anyone, and was rather shy. I thought this would also be a great opportunity not to eat much, so I didn’t. on the way home it took its toll. We had a stop in a little town to but lunch. I refused to eat anything, drawing in all the attention I could. “Why aren’t you eating?” “I think you should eat something.” On and on they went. Then it happened again, all the things in the room were spinning around. It actually felt as though my head was disassociating itself from my body. I tried telling someone I felt funny, but I don’t think I quite said the whole sentence before I fell on to the hard floor. I could hear voices around me but it was as though they were from another realm. I wanted to say I was okay, but I could not even get those words out. Finally I came to, and was made to have a drink. I refused to eat and said it would just make me feel sick. Naturally I had to tell mum about it so I just told her it was from the heat. She had no reason to think otherwise.
The Christmas holidays arrived and I believe this was another turning point for me. I was anxious about starting a new school the next year and wanted to fit in and be accepted. I had to look perfect. I couldn’t start a new school looking fat. I reduced my food intake, and increased my exercise. To do both of this at my house inconspicuously proved to be difficult, as my family liked to know everything that was going on. If I was to go in my room, I was questioned if something was wrong. Sometimes I was ashamed to go in my room because I was sick of the questions. Most of my exercise was done while mum was asleep, and while Mim was at work. The thing with exercise though is that once you start the more compelled you feel to do more. I was becoming quite proud of myself as the weight loss became evident. Mum was becoming frustrated with me though as it was at this time that my moods appeared erratic and unpredictable. I was no longer the sweet little girl whom everyone enjoyed talking to.
linking with things i can't say  for pour your heart out, with some grace for FYBF, twinkle in the eye for flash blog friday, you know it happens at your house too for TGIF  and learning to play and playing to learn for flash back friday

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