To read this blog in order start at July right at the top of the blog archive and progress down in order. This is an account of my battle with anorexia and bulimia

Wednesday 20 July 2011


The HSC was a terrible event. I studied for an incredible amount of time leading up to it. I spent hours in my room going over notes and memorising work I had done. Mum repeatedly called me out into the lounge room to watch television with them or talk with them. However I just wanted to stay in my room and study, or sometimes just stare blankly at what seemed useless information that will get me no where in life. It got to the point where mum became upset and annoyed with me for not spending time with them. To be truthful I actually preferred to be on my own. Sometimes Mim came in my room for a little chat bringing a dessert in or a little snack. Usually if she didn’t stay in the room the food ended up in the bin. I was becoming rather distressed from studying. Sleepless nights became common. Sometimes I cried myself to sleep because I felt so stressed that I left studying til too late in the year and I would never know all I need to know. Other nights I was awakened by horrific nightmares. I was so over tired ending up in the deepest sleep. My dreams often consisted of suffocation or someone trying to kill me. In my dream I struggled to be set free to breathe. I woke up startled letting out a quick scream. This happened three or more times a week. Weekends were fun because I slept in the spare room which was adjacent to Mim’s bedroom. We stayed up for hours talking and laughing. Every so often I startled Mim and woke her up because of my nightmares. She said all she could hear was cries and groans from me, then a scream. It was special having that time to spend with Mim though. We talked about everything and anything.
Mim and I shared a very unique relationship as sisters. Of course there were moments when we felt like tearing each other’s hair out. Still, our bond as sisters was too strong to ever let anything get in the way. It was quite amusing when we did have small arguments though. One of us was capable of seeing the funny side of the argument then starts to laugh. We never talked over any minor arguments as they were forgotten about within minutes. Mim and I also went on holidays together. Before the HSC began Mim and I went on a holiday to Katoomba to visit a friend we met the previous year when going to the BonJovi concert. Mim stayed for only two days, and I remained for another whole week. Over this stay I found it easier to not eat because no body was watching me. I thoroughly enjoyed my freedom and didn’t want to leave. I had it in my heart then that I wanted to move away from home and establish my life elsewhere.
Only a couple of weeks after I returned the HSC began. The first one was music, and it absolutely sucked. It wasn’t like the practice ones we did, it was much harder. I came home and all I could do to describe the exam was cry. I wanted to chuck the whole HSC in at that moment. Thankfully Mim talked me out of it. The day before the exam, mum and Mim went to town. They arrived home chattering non stop about this German Shepherd puppy at the pet shop. Our old German Shepherd lady died earlier in the year and poor Mozart (silky terrier) was on his own. I convinced mum to buy this puppy. We named him Wolfgang. It wasn’t long before we realised what a handful he was, so mum booked him into the kennel where they also do training on dogs. He came out after a week still as boisterous as ever. Meanwhile I was still studying for my exams. I ensure that the best day of the HSC is the last day. As soon as I came home I changed my room around to get rid of the study desk, then threw out all the study notes I wouldn’t need for the future.
The day right after the last HSC exam was the tour to Coffs Harbour for orchestra. This had to be one of the best trips I went on. The unreserved side of me came out and I totally enjoyed myself. Some girls and I ran a muck, which we were in trouble for. Because we got into trouble for making too much noise at the motel we were at, we decided to sneak out and go to the beach. It was pitch black and we couldn’t see a thing, but it was fun anyway. I completely let myself go for a change and I fit in with the crowd too.
The year 12 formal came around. Mim sewed my dress and it was absolutely gorgeous. This was yet another event of which mum didn’t come to. My friends were cool though and offered that I could borrow their parents. The formal was a formal dinner at the RSL restaurant. I was annoyed that everything had to revolve around food all the time. As I walked past the teachers some of them gaped at me, then remarked on my dress. They said it was beautiful except I need to put weight on because I looked sick. One teacher said I was anorexic and poked at my hipbones that were visible through the dress. I couldn’t believe she said that especially after I had eaten a meal and felt far from anorexic. After the dinner most of the grade went to the pub. Our group went for a little while for appearance sake but left early. Then that was the end to year 12.
Mim, Steve and I went on a holiday together to visit Jody in Katoomba. The trip itself was fun, but the eating issue was not. There was no way I could avoid eating around Mim and it became rather stressful. We all went to the Supermarket together to buy groceries to contribute for the week at Jo’s. There was absolutely nothing I wanted to eat, so I walked around extremely cranky. Mim got very cranky at me and said I had to eat or she would ring up mum and tell her. She said that I was just making myself look like a fool in front of everyone. So, I ate. But, I didn’t keep it in. I tried to make it a rule of mine not to throw up other people’s houses for fear of the drains and pipes blocking up, but there was no other way around this one. Except for the food issue it was a fun trip. We did many tourist like things, including walking on the Three sisters. We stayed in Katoomba for a whole week.
Christmas this year was heaps enjoyable. As German tradition we open our presents on Christmas Eve. Steve was around for this also. After we unwrapped our presents we felt like being daring. We dressed up in the most unusual clothes then went for a walk. We stood at the top of the street waving to cars as they drove past wishing them a Merry Christmas. Except for one egg thrown at us, other people were positively responsive. For the New Year we rang up people at random with made up telephone numbers and wished them a Happy New Year. Some people were friendly and others were rude and hung up on us. It didn’t bother me either way, I was just glad the year was over.

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