To read this blog in order start at July right at the top of the blog archive and progress down in order. This is an account of my battle with anorexia and bulimia

Wednesday, 3 August 2011

1999 living on bare minimum

A few days later I went back to Lawson. And not long after that Tafe started back. This was the last year at tafe. It was only a semester long. Every Wednesday we were to do our prac at an Out of School Hours centre (OOSH). I really loved this, spending time with older children and looking out for their needs. Funnily enough I kept an eye on the quieter ones and tried to take an interest in them. We developed quite a trust and I felt privileged when they came to talk to me about their day. My biggest fear for any pre-adolescent is their developing low self esteem which may turn into an eating disorder. I would never wish this thing on a single soul ever!! I remember one girl who was 9 was a bit funny about her food. Of course this grabbed my attention and I questioned her about it. Sadly she told me that she thinks she is fat. I reassured her that she wasn’t and that she still needed all types of food to grow healthily. I don’t know how much she took in, or how serious her comment was even, but I tried!!
Living on Bare Minimum
Sometimes I even regret having consumed what little I did. I only wonder how much more skinnier would I be if I hadn’t eaten that
After getting back to Lawson I went into my normal eating habits - not much. A day’s food list consisted of 1 dry cruskit, 3 cups of tea, and a bottle of coke. That gradually decreased to tea all day and possibly a small freddo frog (which of course I felt guilty about).
I was becoming extremely depressed about this time and I couldn’t explain my feelings. I was never a person to open up. I could talk to people how I felt i.e. tell them a problem I was having, but never letting them into my real emotions. I became more and more depressed after every holiday up home. I missed Mim and Courtney like crazy. I had written in my diary on 12-4-99 “ok, so I’m really homesick, just thinking about Mim and Courtney gets me depressed…Mim and Courtney are my family and when I was there with them I was just so happy…”
{ 28-1-02
I just have to say this now, so a better picture is made when reading on. Although it appeared that James and I had a terrible time getting on before, that is just in there because it was stuff that did happen and did affect me. However, James and I have a pretty good friendship going and I consider him as much my family as Mim, Courtney, and Jesse.}
I got myself involved in social things again to try and be happier and feel busy. Even if it was just inviting friends over. But then that usually involved food and the cycle began with being depressed, eating then feeling depressed about eating. I was on a mission still to lose weight and I even had a reward system. For every kilo I lost I could buy myself a new winter jumper. I think I only got about 4 because by that stage I was becoming too scared to try new clothes on for fear they would be too small because I felt so fat.

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