To read this blog in order start at July right at the top of the blog archive and progress down in order. This is an account of my battle with anorexia and bulimia

Sunday 28 August 2011

at a total loss

I had reached a stage where I thought God had writers block in my life plan. I was at my wits end, and spiralling into despair.
I went straight home after the final exam and stayed for about a week. While I was there I applied for a job at a children’s centre . I had high hopes about this one because that would at least give me a clue to where I was supposed to live. I figured if God wanted me back here with Mim at that time then I would get the job. Well I got a slap in the face with that one. Instead of God just closing a door to an opportunity, He closed the whole centre down. I was certain by that fact that I wasn’t meant to have that job. I had to go back to Lawson a few days after this because I did mange to get myself a vacation job at the Out of School Hours Care I did my prac at. The most unfortunate thing about this was that I knew it would only last throughout the holidays.
It was only two weeks after the end of Tafe but already I felt so useless not having a job. The worst part was that I was in absolute limbo as to where I should live. I even considered moving to Queensland for a change of atmosphere. But it was gradually sinking in anyway that I was unemployed, and each day began to seem worthless.
The good thing about it was that I could fit more exercise in. even if it rained I was determined to fit a walk in to Hazelbrook. I was absolutely drenched by the end of it but I didn’t care.
I simply didn’t care about anything actually. I had completely lost all enthusiasm in everything. Even talking to Mim became hard on the phone because I felt that my life was too boring to even share with her. Secretly I wished I wasn’t around anymore. I tried even harder not to eat and in hope that I may somehow end up in hospital and I would no longer have to worry about making my own stupid decisions. it was such a selfish thought and I didn’t even think about how Mim would have felt. I had only just finished reading Diary of Anne Frank, and it ended with her sister dying. It brought me to tears because although I found it difficult at the time to talk with Mim, I could never imagine life without her. I never thought about how she’d feel about life without me.
Being out of Tafe, and unemployed made it so much harder to avoid going to people’s houses for dinner. I was invited a couple of times to the Poultons house for dinner, and I couldn’t make up any excuse for not going. I felt like absolute crap having to eat a meal. I wanted more to be able to go there and push the plate away and make a point that I hate food. But no, my weakness got the better of me and I ate. How on earth are people meant to believe I have an eating disorder if I am seen eating??? What they don’t realise is that it’s what goes on inside the head, not what I look like, or if I ate. They have no idea that eating is such a drama!
The whole unemployment thing was really starting to get me down. I didn’t want just any old job, I wanted to work with children. But because I was registered with Centrelink I had to prove I was looking for work in all areas. To do this I had to walk around and get employers signatures to say I came in looking for work. I never wanted the work so it wasn’t that bad that I was refused all the time, it was how degrading it felt that bothered me the most.
I went up home again for Courtney’s 1st birthday. I started to become really annoyed at them for always making me eat. I hated the control and manipulation they had over me in regard to food. I think it was the fact that they always made such a big deal about trying to make me eat that made it so annoying. Other than the food issues I wasn’t as depressed here. I knew how much little Courtneyloved me and that is one thing that will always keep me going.
While I was there I asked Lee to come with me to see mums plaque on her grave. It was so weird seeing it. I felt as though I should cry, but I just couldn’t. it’s not that I wasn’t still sad about mums death, it was just odd to see her name on a plaque. And to cry over that seemed a bit odd. After I got home Mim and I had fun pigging out on icecream (surprisingly I actually enjoyed it). It was choc chip icecream and we pretended we were gold digging for the choc chips.
I was still seeing the dietitian and counsellor in Penrith occasionally. I don’t know why I ever bothered though. Shelly never listened to anything what I told her. I always left that place feeling more depressed. I went there each time hoping that just maybe she would help me but she never did. After getting back from home Shelly tried the “we’ll put you in hospital” routine again. Although I secretly wanted to be there, I never let her know any of this and instead challenged her on it. I questioned how forcing someone to eat is actually going to make them better. It didn’t make sense to me, except to make the person physically better. The most appealing thing about hospitalisation was that it is where true anorexics go. So in order to feel like I was on the right road there I cut my food intake yet again. All I ate was rice cakes, alfalfa, and tomato. These foods were so low in kilojoules, and less than a cup of tea.
My moods were changing constantly again, and I became so withdrawn and depressed. I seriously thought that I had no place on this earth. I floated along talking to few people here and there from church, but I felt of so little importance to them. Being unemployed was such an embarrassment, especially when people asked what I did. I began to wonder if I would ever find a job. One afternoon I quickly dropped in at the minister’s on my way home. Bonnie so nicely told me I looked frazzled and grumpy, and asked me what was wrong. I knew I couldn’t lie and answer with “nothing” because I just don’t think she’d believe me. So I just said “I don’t know’ and suddenly started crying uncontrollably. Bonnie gave me the hug I so desperately wanted and we started to talk things over. It was so hard to describe how I felt, and the best way I could do it was to say that God has writers block at the moment and is not sure what He wants to do with my life at the moment. I went on to explain how worthless I felt. Rob and Bonnie both prayed for me that I may have some direction in my life.

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