I was on such a good run, and was actually telling people it was over. Well, personally I don
In May I went on a holiday, just for a week. It was mainly to give myself a break as being a director had now been fully handed over to Rachael. I couldn’t believe how much a week could change thought patterns. The first few days were spent with friends who had moved to Newcastle. I hadn’t seen them for at least three years, so was a little nervous about it. I knew I had put on weight, and was ok was it, but was worried about how I would deal with anything they said. Hallelujah…nothing was mentioned, except for the look of surprise when I actually finished a whole meal.
From Newcastle I went up North. I was with my friend Pamela in Brisbane when I had, (what I think anyway) a panic attack. She was on the phone to her mother, and I was just watching television. An ad came on about women over the age of 35, and suddenly my life went before my eyes. Quick as a flash it happened. I put together in my head in a matter of seconds that in 7 years time I would be 35, then nearly 40, then sooner or later we’d all be old. I became quite anxious of the thought of dying. I kept watching the tv, and thought about how even after we die, life still goes on. Nothing changes….as humans we are but a spec of dust in this whole wide world. We are here for a mere 1-80 odd years, out of thousands upon thousands of years. In a few years time after our death we would be pointless to anybody, except those who
loved us. I freaked out (and still freak out today) about the limited amount of time we have to figure out our life, and feel happy and right about it. In this series of thoughts I started to question the whole God and Christianity thing. How am I assured heaven, and what is great about eternal life, how do we know it won’t get boring?? As Christians we live by this set of rules, that limit us in certain ways, and well, I don’t like it at the moment. Pamela came down and wondered by the look on my face what on earth could be the matter. I asked her if she wonders if we will ever live again but as a completely different human being, and not know that we had existed before. Her look of absolute shock was one thing, but her question of “are you turning into a Buddha??” made me laugh.
From then on I have been in utter confusion about many things. For a very long time I was into the Christianity thing. To have the belief helped me make sense of many things happening in my life. It was comforting to rely on something bigger than me to be the cause of whatever goes on in the universe. It was helpful to believe that when things didn’t go my way it was because it wasn’t in God’s ultimate detailed plan of my life. I therefore accepted some let downs (not easily I might add, but with assurance that it was for a reason). I don’t know now. I do believe we as humans are created by something, and not just an accident. The world is far too complex to have just happened. I don’t know if it’s God or not. I still believe in God, but my faith is little. Many times prayers go unanswered, and it just makes me wonder if events in life would happen regardless of praying or not. ’t think it is ever gone for good, but here I was believing it was. I don’t know what has happened, but I could slowly feel myself slipping. My psych (if I’d said that to him) would ask me to say more if I said something like that, but it’s very hard to describe. Ever so gradually I started to separate myself from situations or emotions, and now food…