To read this blog in order start at July right at the top of the blog archive and progress down in order. This is an account of my battle with anorexia and bulimia

Wednesday 3 August 2011

moving on

I was to leave with Charles, back to Lawson the day after the funeral, so that I could still attend my interview on Saturday. Leaving so soon didn’t bother me at first because I seriously did not feel comfortable staying. I arrived back to such a warm homecoming that I wanted to cry. Having left home I felt far enough away from the situation and there were only memories now and a deep sadness. I thought it might be best to move on with my life.
Yet the next day was something different. The morning appeared as normal and I attended my interview at the preschool. I wasn’t too phased about the job though because I wasn’t sure at this stage if childcare was the job for me. I sat the interview for the experience anyway. The day continued on and I went with the family down to watch a canoe race at the river. Suddenly I felt numb, isolated and sad. I watched all the happy families at the river and realised mine no longer had a mother. I no longer had a mother. The feeling worsened throughout the day, I couldn’t laugh at little jokes, or even eat. When we got home I just stayed in my room listening repeatedly to the Richie Sambora song we played at mum’s funeral.
That night the family went to Mass in Leura and I was home alone. The time went slowly by and I felt such an aloneness I had never experienced before. I became fearful that they may have been in an accident and then I would be totally on my own. I rang up Mim and talked with her for ages realising I needed to be with her for the time being.
It was Easter soon and the whole family and I went to the Easter show the next day. I actually enjoyed myself for the first time since mum’s death. I think it had to do with the fact that I knew Mim and James were coming this evening. I had a guilty conscience for having fun though, thinking I should be in mourning and not enjoy myself with another family. I put that feeling guiltily aside though and went on to enjoy and appreciate my day. I was looking forwards to the end of the day though waiting for Mim and James’s arrival to take me back home with them.

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