I was now getting to know more people in the church was going to, and especially came to spending more time with the minister’s wife Lee. She is a beautiful caring person who I related to easily and really opened up to honestly. One time I visited her obviously upset. I was just having an off week in regard to most things, especially mum’s death. I had the thought that I put a lot of stress on mum because of my eating, and also with moving away, and it was just added stress that she wouldn’t have needed. All I said to Lee was that I knew I stressed mum out with some things, when she questioned if it was because of my eating disorder. I was shocked because I had no idea how she knew. It wasn’t something I liked to make public. She said she could pick it because she had been there herself. I wanted to deny it but couldn’t lie to her. Lee told me all about her own experience with it and how she feels now with having overcome it.
I found it hard to believe how easily Lee fought the disease, with prayer and faith in God. She said she came to the realisation that what she was doing with her body wasn’t right in God’s eyes. God created each one of us in His image and loves us all so much. Louise had a faith strong enough to help her out of it, but at he moment I don’t.
I fail to acknowledge God’s own love for me, and to be happy with the body I have been given. I am scared to believe that God would have given me something beautiful therefore I am not so willing to have faith and eat normally, and love the body I have. I have instead slowly crept back to the cage I had allowed myself out of realising I had gone too far.
It’s not that I fear food at the moment, I just fear putting on more weight. I have lost nearly 2 kilos and that same sense of achievement has comeback. I have days where I eat what I want and the days where I am strict with my intake. I try to eat little amounts infront of people so that they won’t find it necessary to comment when they see me eating.
Once Fiddler on the Roof had finished I decided to go back to Lawson to stay a while and see if there was anything going for me. It was not too easy a decision to make because I was starting to establish new friendships at home, but I felt restless and as though I didn’t belong. I just wasn’t happy I guess. Before I left I mailed away some Tafe applications to do the Associate Diploma in Child Care. I figured that if I was accepted down there then that would mean I am meant to be down there.
I did feel lonely so far away especially hardly knowing anyone. Only a few days after I arrived back the family went away for the long weekend. I absolutely freaked because there was no way I was ready to be all on my own. I arranged to stay with a lady who was also in the Orpheus Strings group and lived in Lawson. She was out all day Saturday so I had to occupy myself for the day. It was alright at first because we had music rehearsals for church for about one and a half hours and I had fun there. But once I started walking home it suddenly hit me that I was on my own. My heart pounded and I was so afraid, I didn’t want to be alone because it made me think too much.
Once I got home I tried to be normal and just get on with things by eating and watching television, but that didn’t work. The moment I ate I felt so bad and guilty for eating. I couldn’t understand why I ate especially when I knew I was alone. There was no one to answer to about eating so there should be no need to eat. Yet I was so lonely and afraid that I found comfort in eating. There was an ongoing battle in my head but I knew I had to get rid of what I had eaten. No one was home so it wouldn’t matter if I threw up, no one would hear me anyway. So that’s what I did. Then I just went and lay on my bed hating everything and myself around me. I was so depressed, so alone. I didn’t even know anyone to talk to or visit. The feelings overtook me and all I could do was cry and cry like I had never cried before. All I wanted at this time was mum’s arms around me to tell me I would be okay and that she was back. Knowing that I could never have this from mum again made me cry even harder. I could only curl up in a little ball imaging her arms around me. In ways it seemed I was deserted, and I experienced the idea of just being a floater on the earth not having any real use except just to be here. I knew hardly anyone where I lived, I had no parents, and my sister had James. I seriously felt separated from everybody and it was the most
I remembered a friend of mine, Sara, who lived up in Katoomba so I took a chance and rung her up. I was so grateful when she said she wasn’t busy and she would love for me to come up and see her. We didn’t do anything much, but that didn’t bother me, I was just content enough to not be alone. We also hung around together on Monday after I had left the lady’s house I was staying at. I actually mentioned to Sara how I couldn’t bear to be alone again and she was very understanding, staying with me until the family came home.
I now had only four days left until I sat for a questionnaire/interview at the Tafe in Werrington for the child studies course. I decided that if I was accepted after this it means I should stay, but if not, then I should move back home. I was so sick the day I went though and found it difficult to remain focussed. I couldn’t even breathe properly. I managed to fill out every question with what I thought were logical answers, then left it from there. I had done my bit and the rest was up to God. It was strange seeing all these different people in the room doing the same thing as me. I wondered who of us would get in. I sized them all up comparing myself to them doubting that I was even half as skinny as some. I immediately disliked any girl who was skinnier than me, hoping she would not get into the course. I watched them how they spoke, how they stood, how they even dressed and I felt so different from them all, aware that I was on different territory. I was ready for the challenge though and was eager to be accepted in the course. When I arrived home Charles told me he had prayed about it most of the day and he knew already that I was in. I still had another two weeks to go before I knew this in reality, so was hesitant to make any plans based on what Charles said. Amazingly what he said was correct and I was accepted into the course.
I couldn’t believe it, I was so excited. In fact I was that excited that I ate dinner that night which was stew with bread rolls. I ended up having two servings in relation to my happiness. I still can’t figure out how happiness and eating could be related but I think it’s because I couldn’t think of anything else to show my excitement through. Short lasting it was though. I realised what I had done and actually couldn’t feel any less happy. I went to get rid of the whole lot but was sprung. The toilet wouldn’t flush properly and there was all the food. I panicked. If ever there was a time to want to be small enough to fit down a drain hole it was now. I tried over and again to flush the toilet but to no avail. I had to face it and tell them. I felt so disgusted and ashamed of myself, but somehow managed to tell them in between many sobs. They were so understanding and sensitive about the situation, which made it a lot easier. We talked about what we should do from here and they both suggested I get professional counselling which they offered to pay for. I agreed to this so long as they make the arrangements first and it is done after I go home.