I have the feeling that food is affecting my feelings as I mentioned before. Yet I am too afraid to eat more and put on weight to test this theory. I was in such a state of despair last night only and I could not describe. I felt so alone and separated from every body and wondered if any one cares. I felt separated from God even and didn’t feel worthy to be loved by Him or to even ask to be comforted. I looked around at church at the people who sat with their families or partners and felt isolated. I was most jealous of those who had their family with them. I was sitting with friends, but at the same time I was so aware of the fact that they had a family at home. I left church very quickly after it finished and went home unable to keep myself from crying. I cried to God then to send someone to comfort me and He did. My flatmate Amy came home and just wrapped her arms around me. It was hard to say what was wrong to her but knowing she cared meant so much to me.
I dunno, sometimes I question my actual purpose here. Was I just a complete mistake that God overlooked, or am I really meant to be here. Then I read these verses
“For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s
womb….your eyes saw my unformedbody…” Psalm 139: 13-16.
I realise that I am meant to be. I once heard somewhere how we are on top of a mountain and it is our goal to then go further and reach the top of the mountain infront of us. To get there however we must go through a valley. Obviously that valley won’t always be smooth, and it will be bumpy, especially as we go down. However, if we are faithful and trusting, God helps us through these valleys knowing it is His desire to bring us back to the top. I guess it’s my time to go through a deep valley.
It’s hard to tell if this is a phase that is happening because of my eating habits, or if I felt this way which then affected my eating. The one thing weight lose has made me feel is proud. But that is only on the days when I put on a pair of pants and notice they are sagging, or when my head does an amazing spin. Other than that I try not to let it be noticed overly much because I am afraid of the same sense of failure where I know I can’t keep the weight off unless I put my whole mind to it. It’s difficult to get into the swing of not eating as I live a completely different lifestyle to when I was at my worst. I will continue with writing.