2002

What do you do when you’re all alone

It seems as though no one cares

The pain and the fear are deep inside

Anxious to be made aware

The body is crying out for help

Wanting to be let free

Free from this trap that has

                                                            Such a hold, free to let me be me



The trap is a cage

with me locked inside

Trembling and sad

Trying to hide

To hide from society

To hide from the lies

The lies of the voices

That come from inside

I want to be free

To get out to live

But what does that mean?

I have not yet lived.

Steff 2002

The beginning of the year things changed for me. I can’t describe what it was, or why it was, but I was different and didn’t really want to be with people. I became extremely addicted to swimming in a desperate effort to lose weight again. It was too hot to walk most days, so a quick swim in the pool was actually refreshing. I started once again to distance myself from friends, stop talking about meaningless things, and even made up excuses for not going out. The more I did this, the harder it was to start going out again. If I had my choice, and didn’t need the money I would also have chosen to stay home from work.
I was becoming more and more obsessed with eating disorders and having the internet opened up a whole new world for me. I found some great chat sites, where I’d be talking with people who also had eating disorders. The more I did this the more doors it opened up for me about what is “normal” (as far as an eating disorder can go), what other people feel, why it happens to some. a lot of the girls I talked to were in recovery and come into the chat rooms to chat about their experiences. I formed some good connections with a few people, who I still chat to regularly 6 months down the track.