To read this blog in order start at July right at the top of the blog archive and progress down in order. This is an account of my battle with anorexia and bulimia

Wednesday 3 August 2011

loss of control

Easter came and went. After the break we were due to start our first four week block prac at a Long Day Care. It was in this time that my anorexia settled in again for a little while. The first week there wasn’t bad at all, but it was that week that I decided I had to stop eating so much. I started out eating the fruit toast with the children for morning tea, and then I also had lunch time meals with the children. It so happened that in my first week there it was my birthday, so it was celebrated with cake. I also stayed for a night at Hanna’s for a family birthday dinner (and more cake), and then the minister’s family from church had a dinner (and more cake) for me.
After consuming all this food in just one week I seriously realised I had to stop. If I were to eat every time the children ate I would end up the size of the actual centre and would not have been allowed through the doors. I discovered that it only took 40 or so minutes to walk there from home, and with a bit less food I would be right. From then on I lived on one jam toast for breakfast, cups of tea through out the day, then a cup of Lite tomato and herb soup for dinner. I chose tomato and herb because it had the least kilojoules. The first week of doing this was absolutely draining. I was walking there and back, on top of keeping on my feet all day running after the little children. By the end of the week I just near collapsed and ended up sick for the whole weekend with the same recurring stomach virus. It didn’t bother me one bit though because I knew it would help me lose weight. Within the third week there I noticed how much saggier my pants looked and was so excited. I had lost almost 3kgs. Hanna invited me over to her house one night and once she saw me she voiced her dissatisfaction at my weight loss. She told me I looked absolutely disgusting. I was bordering on about 41kgs and was determined to get below 40kgs.
The holidays were only a few weeks after we got back to tech from prac. I was anxious about keeping up my “not eating” pattern once getting back to tech. I was so aware that the holidays were coming which gave me more drive to not eat because I needed to be skinnier than before. But I had a shock revelation in the shower one night. As I was showering I looked down at my self and recognised just how skinny I was. I was no longer slim, I was skinny. My hip bones stuck out so far I could use them as hat racks, my stomach was now concave, and I could easily count my ribs. I needed help!! At that moment I just didn’t have the passion to become any skinnier. I thought I had gone as far as I wanted. I quickly finished in the shower and rang Mim so she could make me an appointment to see Deanne once I get home for the holidays. She
naturally questioned the realness in this, but I was definitely genuine.
I couldn’t wait to see Deanne and tell her how I felt. I knew it would be a long road to travel but I felt as though I had made the very first step. I told her exactly how I was feeling and how horrified I was to eat normal again but I wanted to get there eventually. I requested that I start on bare minimum eating, but so long as I had what I needed in my diet. We then devised a diet plan for me which consisted of one toast for breaky, juice and a cup of tea. It was yoghurt for lunch and a piece of fruit. Dinner was a potato or small bowl of pasta or other vegetables. I felt comfortable with this meal plan as I had contributed my own thoughts and I wasn’t bowled into eating massive amounts of food.
Within the first week of this eating plan I became so frustrated and depressed. I wanted to give up. All I felt was FAT FAT FAT. My stomach found it hard to adjust to eating dairy and fruit, and I constantly felt bloated and gassy. I rang up Deanne and told her I was ready to give up because I couldn’t handle feeling so gross, but she assured me that once my stomach adjusts then I would be okay. She said that what I was feeling is absolutely normal, and she was actually waiting for this to happen. She knew then that I was serious this time about getting help, because previously I never became so easily angered in just one week of trying.
Breakfast, as mentioned before, consisted of toast and tea. I usually had jam on my toast without butter, but strangely enough I had peanut butter. One morning I decided to be different and have sugar on half a piece, and the usual on the other half. I needed butter on it to help the sugar stick on, but unfortunately James didn’t see this reasoning of mine. I think he was just plain confused with me. He tried stirring me up telling me how much fat was in butter and that I shouldn’t be using it because I’d get so fat from it. I tried so hard to stay calm and not let him get to me. Of course I knew about the fat in butter. I repeatedly said how I needed the butter to make the sugar stick. All of a sudden James had enough and got my toast and smeared it all in my hair. I tried getting away from him but he was holding tightly to my pyjama jumper and I could barely move. I eventually got free and ran for the phone to ring Lee and Joe (the minister and his wife). But James kept on pressing the button and hanging up on me. Mim told me to quickly go and have a shower and wash out my hair and she’d try ringing for me. I sat in the shower and cried and cried so afraid that Jason was going to come in. once I got out I ran straight outside into the shed to use the phone in there. I got through to Lee and Joe and asked that I be picked up as soon as possible. My request was responded to very quickly and Lee came to get me. I stayed the whole Saturday at their house too frightened to go home. I was relieved that I was actually due to leave the next day anyway.

it’s hard to not let incident like that affect eating, especially when it was about food. Although I got through that one, my next obstacle was eating at tech. Before the holidays I refused food, and after the holidays I willingly brought a packed lunch with me. I confronted the issue upfront with my friend Hanna. When I got out my lunch (half banana and 3tbspn yoghurt) I warned her not to comment because I don’t want an issue made out of food any more. She agreed to be supportive and even said she would come along with me to visit the new dietician at the hospital.
Charles and Lana were the next one’s I had to tell, and this was difficult. Lana said she would believe it once she saw me make a real effort and a lasting one. How dare she under estimate my determination!! Sadly, she was right. It wasn’t long before I slipped right down even further than before.
I did last one week though where I was very careful with what I ate, but was eating sensibly at least. I call that my disillusionment phase now. I was excited at the time at “getting better” but didn’t think of the long term that I would actually put on weight and it requires a lot of effort to eat sensibly and normally.
Only days after this I was up home again awaiting the arrival of Mim’s first baby. After what had happened previously I stayed with a friend until Mim had the baby. I was back on my own with no-one to answer to, no dieticians, no-one to support me, so I just didn’t eat while I stayed at Sussi’s.
Courtney was born on July 31st. It was so exciting for all of us. I remember writing to Donna that I was a proud aunty, I had my very own niece. (Courtney is three now, and means the absolute world to me).
While Mim was still in hospital I became fanatical about walking. I had purchased a brand new pair of joggers which made me feel like I was literally walking on air, so I tried walking everywhere in them, even all the way up to the hospital which took about 1 ½ hours. I figured that everyone was too wrapped in everything else to even notice what was going on with me. Looking back now can see how selfish that was. I’m still not sure if it was a ploy to get some attention, or if I was just doing it because I knew no one would notice.

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