confused

I simply want to know what life is about and live it well, and not be afraid. To live without regret, without fear, without being locked up in a safety cage of my beliefs. But this is what has turned things around. Before long I became conscious of the fact that I was now living in reality. I was to be a responsible person who took action over my thoughts and emotions. I could no longer run to my eating disorder whenever things went bad. For 13 years I relied heavily on this disease as my way of life, as a coping mechanism. It hid me from pain, numbed me from real emotions, and prevented me from turning into an adult dealing with real life. I went through hurtful times, depressed thoughts for so long without telling people because I just stopped eating as a way to deaden what I really felt. As long as other people had problems I never comprehended that mine could matter even half as much.
In the past year I gradually became familiar with the person I was without an eating disorder. In reality it took at least 5 months to start getting used to the concept of eating dinner with a family, and including it as part of a routine. Then came giving up the laxatives, which took a while to deal with. During this time I still wasn’t confident with expressing my feelings, so it was absolute hell. Sometimes I just wanted to scream and swear, but my personality just doesn’t allow this sort of thing to happen.
So, I have had about 7months now of normal(ish) eating, and at the same time trying to figure out how to express what I feel. Sometimes it’s hard enough to even discover how I feel, let alone knowing what to do with it.
Work was all going well, but a lot of change was occurring. We had to get a new director, Anna came back, staff in my room changed, and I went back to my normal position. Now I
Everything at home is fine. I could never ask for a better family to be with. Jane keeps telling me how much I have grown (emotionally) in the past year. I can
It was like a split second decision, but one that changes you completely, and that is to stop eating so much. I often thought it throughout the year, but was enjoying myself too much to ever take my thoughts seriously. But this time it was different. Something inside me clicked, and it was like food became a poison. I got a drink bottle for work, so I could drink throughout the day instead of eating. As the week progressed I became more obsessive. I had music rehearsals for the musical TOMMY, so was able to escape dinner. The show was to start the week after this, so I had planned that I could skip dinner on these nights as well, and was very relieved, because that was my plan to keep me going for the next two weeks. However, there was a fire at the theatre, so the show no longer is going on. I went into an absolute panic, because it ruined my plans completely and now I didn’t know how to escape from dinner. If I wasn
It didn’t last that long though. I think I conned myself into believing that I could eat again, just because it became easier to say yes to food, rather than thinking of all sorts of ways to get out of food. My psych said that for so long I said “yes” to what other people wanted, not really considering how I felt in a situation. It was always less complicated to attend to other people, and agree with whatever they said, than to stand up for myself. So in that case, I said “no” to food instead. I denied myself of something.
6^th July 2003
Nothing really makes sense. I am like a yoyo. One day I can eat, the next day I can’t. It hasn’t been a good week emotionally. Crystal (Jane’s daughter), is getting married. I am really happy for her, so that isn’t the issue. Family is the issue!! I feel I am on the outside looking in sometimes. Crystal and Jane have a very close mother/daughter relationship, and with the wedding plans moving along, this is becoming more and more evident. To hear her say the word mum, and give Jane a hug absolutely hurts. It’s as if my heart is yanked out. I guess I am jealous. So what do I do in return…starve (or try to anyway). At home I am becoming less confident to eat, and more determined not to eat. I will never refuse a meal while I am living here because I know how much it could hurt them. I have been down that road only a few years ago, and I won’t do it again. So my plan is to escape meals whenever possible. At times when the family get closer, I try so hard to busy my own life so it won’t look as though I need them. I would rather pull away than to be pushed away gradually. I know in the sensible part of me that that would never happen. They have fully accepted me as part of the family. But I am too scared to risk that. I have my own family who I am also scared to lose.
One night last week I had a terrible dream about Mim having to drive home on the freeway by herself. I don’t know if she made it home or not because I woke up crying for fear that she may not have made it home. I didn’t have the guts to ring her up the next day because I thought I was just being silly. For the whole week I was just off. All I wanted was my family with me. It was as though I kept reaching out but my arm was never long enough. Hard to actually describe. One half of me was watching a family be happy and content and I was only an arms length away literally, but just couldn’t get in there emotionally. The other half of me was yearning for my family, and my arm was stretching as far as it could go but it was never able to grasp it because I am too far away. So instead I am left in the middle. The most insane part of me wants to wrap up my own family, or lock them inside so nothing will ever happen to them. The dream was a real wake up call, and it really shook me up. I don’t know if I am in the right place or not.’t such an unassertive person, then I could just refuse dinner, but I just couldn’t do it. I eat it and panic. Although the amount I ate was probably about 5 spoonfuls, then I was “in such a hurry” or I would be late to go out. I make up excuses for the next two nights, and because I am naturally a busy out a lot person, my excuses seem so believable that there is no questioning. ’t deny that I have. I am more honest with people now, I often stand up for myself, and I became more comfortable with who I was. But suddenly I am scared, I am so scared. I am letting go of a belief, and also of a way of life, and stepping out as what feels to be naked. It was so easy with an eating disorder, because that was my life, and that was my focus. I lost that focus when I gave up my disorder, but I never found a new focus. I am dealing with real problems in a real world, and I don’t like it. It was easier to just be angry at myself, and put on a happy face for everyone else, because then I don‘t have to justify anything, or feel awkward.’m not saying these are bad changes at all, but they are all changes that happened at once. It’s relieving not being a director, and to not have that responsibility. But at the same time it’s intimidating to watch a very very skinny person walk into my role. I felt inadequate, like a child who was trying to be an adult but didn’t really know how to behave, or how to properly take control of a situation. I was watchful with everything I did at work for fear that Rachael (new director) was watching me, and is wondering to herself how I could ever have been a director. I try to be happy at work, but sometimes I can’t because I just don’t know if I am giving my full 100% at my job. I feel lost.