Along came the month of May. And with it was Melinda’s wedding. I had built up such a hate for her that the thought of playing violin at her wedding made me even more angry. I still had such resentment toward her for leaving me. I didn’t talk to her at her wedding, not even a congratulations. Times after this became even more difficult. Melinda tried being friendly to me, but I showed more and more bitterness.
One day a mutual friend of Melinda and I, rang me up about work. We got talking about Melinda and she said how sad it was that Melinda and I weren’t talking anymore. She admitted that she used to envy our friendship. After talking to her I realised how childish I had been. It was only my feelings of being abandoned that made me angry at her. It was as though I was resenting the fact that Melinda was moving on in life and was happy.
I swallowed my pride, and arranged to have coffee with Melinda. I apologised almost straight away for my behaviour and for being such a bitch to her. She said she couldn’t figure out why I was being so hostile toward her, and was actually going to give up being friendly to me eventually. I admitted how I felt deserted by her, and by others in the church. I was seriously at a point where I hardly had any friends because I separated pretty much from all of them. Melinda truthfully told me I can sometimes be a hard person to be friends with. That hurt like a kick in the gut, mainly because I knew it was true. She went on to say how many people in the church really do care about me, but don’t know how to help. I was reminded of how sometimes she would try to help me with the eating disorder and one day I may be willing to talk about it, but the next day I would become defensive and not talk about it. If people aren’t really experienced with eating disorders and the depression that comes along with it and can be very hard at times. I know myself I suffer great mood swings, and a lot of the times they are food related - either hunger, or anger because I had eaten. At times I just felt so unworthy to be around people. All I worried about was people thinking how slack I was for eating. It was easier to not spend time with people in the end, because I just was too anxious about how they perceived me.