To read this blog in order start at July right at the top of the blog archive and progress down in order. This is an account of my battle with anorexia and bulimia

Wednesday 3 August 2011

weight loss = achievement

It is the one thing that can be achieved and also be noticed by others. To gain weight meant instant failure because my goal was only to lose
It was getting to the time where I started panicking even more about going up home therefore cutting my food intake again. I ended up getting the flu for a few days which I obviously rejoiced in. it started out as a sore throat which was excuse number one for not eating. My sinuses were all blocked up to and I completely lost any sense of smell or taste so I just wasn’t bothered to eat. It was great because I even lost my appetite. People from church would invite me over for dinner and I refused politely telling them that there wouldn’t be any point as I couldn’t taste or smell. What I failed to recognise then was that they were asking for my fellowship not for trying to make
me eat their food.
I went home four days before Christmas anxious to know if anyone would notice my weight loss. I was worried that no one would notice and that it would have all been a waste of time. Or what if I had really put on weight? In reality I knew I hadn’t gained weight. There was no way possible. My clothes started to hang on me, even the wrap around skirts were too big. Now I never knew wrap around skirts could actually be too big but they were. I wore these too big clothes to see the counsellor in Sydney before I left for home, just to piss her off. She never commented though, or never weighed me and that pissed me off. But I had made my decision that after coming back from home then I just wouldn’t bother making anymore appointments to see her. She did absolutely nothing for me except make me want to lose weight just to annoy her. Anyway, people sure did notice how slim I had become. I started getting the “you look so terribly skinny” comments, or “if you turn on your side we won’t be able to see you any more.”
A few times in my 6 week break I met up with friends from school. The first meeting we had was only days after Christmas and it was the whole group of us who hung out together. It was absolutely tragic. I hadn’t seen these girls for probably one year by now (except for Pamela) and it was obvious that I had lost weight since school. I made sure I wore clothes to accentuate my weight loss. Even if nobody commented at least I knew it was noticed. I felt I had nothing else to prove to them. Most of them were studying at uni and lived the typical uni life. I had absolutely nothing in common with any of them and really hated the thought of having to go out for dinner to a Chinese restaurant of all places. I ordered only boiled rice because eating anything else meant eating stuff packed and loaded with fat and more fat. The girls all ordered various dishes to share and kept asking if I was sure I didn’t want anything of their’s. Once I had said no I meant it and happily ate my rice. I watched them all hoe into the fatty food relieved that it wasn’t me eating it. Another day Pamela and I visited our friend Jaimee. Jaimee had cooked up some lunch for all of us to eat while we watched a video. There was no way I could allow myself to eat it. I felt complete terror overcome me as I didn’t know what I was going to do to get out of this one. I couldn’t risk eating the food and having no where to throw it up. So I just said plain no. The response I received from them wasn’t good and they were both offended. Pamela insisted I ate and even served up a plate for me so I pushed it right back to her repeating myself that I did not want to eat anything. She became very pushy trying to convince me to at least try eating a little bit. By this stage I was almost in tears because I was so afraid of giving in. I wanted to slap her in her face and scream at her that I didn’t want it but I just couldn’t do it. In the end I accepted the plate that she dished up for me but left it sitting on the floor not touching a single bit of it. I had never felt so scared about any situation and so out of control. My biggest fear was failing and giving in to eating especially when I had at first said no. I couldn’t bear to be defeated in a food situation. It was also more the fact that I wasn’t expecting to have to eat so I wasn’t even able to prepare myself for it.
Sundays after church I usually went to Pamela’s place for lunch. It was something I actually looked forward to. I could prepare myself each time, knowing ahead of time that I would be going there. Also, the lunches usually consisted of different plates on the table of salads or meats. I stuck to the salads and ate very little amounts. When I got back home I lied to Mim and James telling them we had loads for lunch and I was so full I couldn’t possibly fit in anything for dinner. I think Mim was hesitant to believe me, but I stuck to my word.
I rarely ate with Mim and James. I made sure I ate different to them. To eat with them the same meals would mean too much like being normal and eating proper food. It felt strange to eat a proper meal, I had to be different and know what exactly I was eating and know it was something so little it wouldn’t make a difference. On Mim’s birthday I was “invited” over for dinner. James cooked a baked dinner for us all to have together as a family. I was warned days ahead and they let me serve myself. Sadly my not wanting to eat as a normal person had quite negative affects on us all and proved to cause a lot of friction in the household. At the time I was so self centred that I didn’t even acknowledge that my eating had anything to do with it. It is actually only now as I read over my diary notes and remember back to then that my habits and behaviour would have driven anybody up the wall.

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