To read this blog in order start at July right at the top of the blog archive and progress down in order. This is an account of my battle with anorexia and bulimia

Wednesday 3 August 2011

the ugly green eyed monster

the acts of a sinful nature are obvious…jealousy..and envy…”Gal 5:20
Jealousy can come at any moment. For me it’s when I see people living a normal life, or when I see people with a mother. It is especially when I see skinny people. I feel an incredible weight sink to the bottom of my stomach and all I want to do is cry and hide so no one can see my fat self.
I joined in with friends over the holidays, but always feel like an intruder. Pamela’s family invited me to have Chinese with them one night. It took Pamela a lot of convincing to get me there. I was ashamed to eat in front of her because she had become so skinny. You guessed it…I was jealous. .
One Sunday I spent most of the day at the Smith’s. I love spending time with them because they all have such a good time. That night we all went to see a Christian singer at St Paul’s church. My biggest fear was who am I going to see that’s skinnier than me. It drove me insane. I watched groups of friends having fun together. Then I saw skinny girls. It’s amazing how it can change your whole mood. I had become suddenly depressed and even the sad songs nearly made me cry. At the time of course I couldn’t see that all I consisted of was bones covered in some skin.
Happy families were not what we were the following few days. James and I had yet another big fight. It was over me not vacuuming my bedroom at the precise time he requested it. Instead he went in there with a hammer and proceeded to rip the carpet off the floor. My natural response was to jump up and stop him, but I soon learnt that that was a big mistake. Never get in the way of an angry man with a hammer. James pushed me out of the way and I ended up landing on the stake in a pot plant. It ripped right through my skirt and my leg. (no need to tell the next few bits).
I left and ran to the shops scared shit that he would follow me. I got on the phone and rang the Smith’s. Ellie (Pam’s younger sister) answered. I didn’t say anything except request that she pick me up. Ellie came over as soon as possible to where I was and decided to take me straight to hospital. The doctor there insisted I get stitches but I passed out as soon as he mentioned that. Instead, he put butterfly strips on and told me I had to come back to re-dress it.
I stayed with the Smiths for at least 6 nights. I had never felt so numb. I couldn’t handle losing Mim and Courtney. But I was also scared. I was scared James might come to the Smiths, or that he may do something to Mim. I had arranged with Mim to get more clothes on the provision that James was no where near the house.
I felt like I was invading the Smith’s home life by staying there, yet I didn’t even feel safe to stay in my own home. I spent a few nights on and off with Joe and Lee. I just didn’t know what to do, I felt like a complete nuisance to everyone. If I could have slipped away then I would have done it.

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