the acts of a sinful nature are obvious…jealousy..and envy…”Gal 5:20Jealousy can come at any moment. For me it’s when I see people living a normal life, or when I see people with a mother. It is especially when I see skinny people. I feel an incredible weight sink to the bottom of my stomach and all I want to do is cry and hide so no one can see my fat self.
I joined in with friends over the holidays, but always feel like an intruder. Pamela’s family invited me to have Chinese with them one night. It took Pamela a lot of convincing to get me there. I was ashamed to eat in front of her because she had become so skinny. You guessed it…I was jealous. .
One Sunday I spent most of the day at the Smith’s. I love spending time with them because they all have such a good time. That night we all went to see a Christian singer at St Paul’s church. My biggest fear was who am I going to see that’s skinnier than me. It drove me insane. I watched groups of friends having fun together. Then I saw skinny girls. It’s amazing how it can change your whole mood. I had become suddenly depressed and even the sad songs nearly made me cry. At the time of course I couldn’t see that all I consisted of was bones covered in some skin.
Happy families were not what we were the following few days. James and I had yet another big fight. It was over me not vacuuming my bedroom at the precise time he requested it. Instead he went in there with a hammer and proceeded to rip the carpet off the floor. My natural response was to jump up and stop him, but I soon learnt that that was a big mistake. Never get in the way of an angry man with a hammer. James pushed me out of the way and I ended up landing on the stake in a pot plant. It ripped right through my skirt and my leg. (no need to tell the next few bits).
I left and ran to the shops scared shit that he would follow me. I got on the phone and rang the Smith’s. Ellie (Pam’s younger sister) answered. I didn’t say anything except request that she pick me up. Ellie came over as soon as possible to where I was and decided to take me straight to hospital. The doctor there insisted I get stitches but I passed out as soon as he mentioned that. Instead, he put butterfly strips on and told me I had to come back to re-dress it.
I stayed with the Smiths for at least 6 nights. I had never felt so numb. I couldn’t handle losing Mim and Courtney. But I was also scared. I was scared James might come to the Smiths, or that he may do something to Mim. I had arranged with Mim to get more clothes on the provision that James was no where near the house.
I felt like I was invading the Smith’s home life by staying there, yet I didn’t even feel safe to stay in my own home. I spent a few nights on and off with Joe and Lee. I just didn’t know what to do, I felt like a complete nuisance to everyone. If I could have slipped away then I would have done it.