Once I got back to the mountains I felt I was able to continue this eating thing for a little while. It was short lasting though as I convinced myself that if I were to keep it up I could never lose weight. I was grateful that no body commented on my weight gain over the holidays, although I knew they were probably thinking it. I was keen to get back to tech where I knew food was not the focus.
It was probably only about one week after I got back, that I became really sick with the stomach virus thing again. It happened so quickly. One night I was having friends over for a typical girly night and the next thing I knew I passed out at church the next morning. That was the ultimate scary thing as I completely lost feeling in my arms. My anxiety I think made it worse to. Sophie and Donna rushed me up to hospital in a panic as well. I knew it was the stomach bug because for some reason it came in 6 month cycles. The feeling in my arms came back thankfully. When I described it to the doctor he said it was because I was severely dehydrated. I didn’t really care. I was aware it was from my own doing, and sadly if it could happen again I would have allowed it. That scary sign was also a satisfying sign that my efforts were paying off. I was surprised however that the doctor allowed my being underweight to go not noticed, but have since been informed that often this illness is not noticed by even some of the best doctors.
I was well enough to go back to tech the next week which wasn’t in the end all that great of a week. Our teacher Carol(who I mentioned earlier) informed us that she would no longer be face to face teaching as she recently discovered she has breast cancer and needs to have surgery and radiotherapy. The moment she said this I felt a tug at my heart, almost like “here we go again”. It was an odd feeling to describe and I had no control over it. I suddenly burst into tears and couldn’t explain why. (I have
recently found out that she passed away a few months ago. Although we were never that close or even stayed in touch it still saddened me that a beautiful and caring person such as herself had to die and leave a young family behind her).
After we were told of her condition I felt rather restless and unsettled. I had all these emotions which I couldn’t express and I wanted to escape from them. It was easier to remove myself from them and do things out of the ordinary than to focus on what was going on around me. I wanted to do something completely different that would be noticed, and evidently weight loss wasn’t an option. There was no way to lose a vast amount of weight within a few days. So I chose to get my nose pierced instead. It was a radical thing for me to do at the time being the person I was. I knew it would be disapproved of by Mim and James, and Charles and Lana. That’s what made it even more exciting.
Mixed in with this was the coming closer to the first anniversary of mum’s death. I psyched myself up the whole week leading up to it. I even played over in my mind the events leading up to it. I was so worried about how I would feel, or would I feel something, and if I didn’t does that mean I don’t care? Hanna stayed by my side the whole day making sure I was all right, and I was. I cruised through the whole day actually without a worry, without a tear. It wasn’t until the next day though that I completely lost the plot in class. All it took was a note from Hanna asking me if I was okay, and I realised I wasn’t. I’m just thankful I had a friend by my side.