To read this blog in order start at July right at the top of the blog archive and progress down in order. This is an account of my battle with anorexia and bulimia

Sunday 28 August 2011

breaking up ain't hard to do

It didn’t go down to well on his side of things. Inside of me was a mini celebration, but he was devastated. Mim, James, and Courtney came down for that weekend and witnessed Tom’s obsession with me. Even after breaking up he was still sending me SMS phone messages, letters in the mail box, and thankyou cards. This all happened within two days. One of the cards was for Mim, containing a $100 note in it. Tom asked her to help me seek professional help for my eating disorder. Mim got on the phone to him and told him he’d better leave me alone or she would ring the police. I didn’t hear anything after that.
Aside from the Tom matter, having my family visit was fantastic. I could finally show off my much talked about family. Courtney was so excited to see where Aunty lives. We did all sorts of things like go to Featherdale, catch trains, shop, have water fights. Finally I was happy.
My weight didn’t really bother me anymore, for the moment anyway. I felt as though I was ready to cope with it. Well I really felt I had no choice but to accept the weight gain. I even went on shopping spree’s to buy new clothes that would fit me better. I didn’t care because I was actually having fun in my life. I had developed great friendships, and had a period of real happiness for a while. Weekends were spent with friends, just watching video’s, or having dinner, and having fun. I couldn’t have asked for much more.
In June, my nephew Jesse was born. That was a pretty awesome thing to happen. While Mim was in hospital for a few days, it gave James and I a real opportunity to get to know each other again. We had resolved things already, but we never really talked much. We made decisions together about dinner, and when to visit Mim. The best was that we were both looking after Courtney and he didn’t try and disrespect me in any way. It was such a privilege to be able to look after my niece, and be responsible for her. We had an absolute ball going shopping, cooking stuff, and eating.
The day after Jesse was born I was involved in a car crash. It wasn’t anything major, but more a hassle than anything. Before coming up home I had formed a friendship with this guy, Rod. Anyway, I told him about the accident and he was really supportive. I could feel something there between us, but was afraid to admit it. He rang up every day, sometimes twice a day just to see how I was.
When I got back to Springwood, he was the first person I went to visit. His first comment was that I had lost weight. I was nicely flattered by this comment. The night went on, and we kept on talking, eventually admitting to each other that there was something there between us. Next thing we were having sex. It was strange because there was no love, or no real caring. We talked a bit afterwards and discussed how neither of us wanted a relationship with each other, and that it was just something that happened. And then it happened again and again.
His biggest fear was that I would fall for him. All he wanted was sex and that was it. I couldn’t see myself falling for him but was angry at how he thought he could just sleep with me and just say “I have no feelings for you”. Even friends have feelings for each other. I went on a downhill spiral from there. With both of us being from the same church I found it very difficult to even tell anyone what had happened. I felt odd and separated from people. I had this hurt I couldn’t describe to others because it meant telling them what happened. All I ate for a while was apples, apples, and drank tea. My friends were becoming quite concerned. I hardly talked to them, then the less I talked the harder I found it to even look at them. If friends were over at our house (too see Melinda or me) I stayed in my room with my door shut, or went for a walk. If anyone asked how I was I had to fight back tears. I couldn’t believe one guy would make me feel like this. On top of feeling used (but I couldn’t even really say I was used because I was involved to) I was also hungry. Physically hungry and emotionally hungry. I gave part of myself to someone I thought cared and then I get pushed away and warned that I am not allowed to fall for him. It was as though he was telling me I wasn’t good enough. That’s exactly how I felt. I wasn’t good enough, I was inadequate, I was just a piece of flesh with no feelings.
As the eating got worse, so did my moods. They were fluctuating immensely, one day I was happy, then all of a sudden I snapped and became very depressed. Melinda and Amy tried talking with me, but I just thought they were the enemy and that they didn’t really care. They had their own lives, so why would they be interested in mine. I avoided talking to them at most times, because I just didn’t have the energy required to maintain a positive conversation. I twisted everything either of them said to me and assumed they were having a go at me, putting me down. I became very defensive and snappy at them, which was very unlike me.
I went to the doctor to get a referral for some blood tests required by my counsellor. The counsellor was concerned that my electrolyte balance may have been out of whack because of the laxatives. I was half praying that it was going to come back a bad result. I told myself that I would stop if it came back bad, because then I would know I was physically doing damage to myself and I would have accomplished something. Unfortunately (in my mind) the tests didn’t prove o be too bad. I was very low in iron and had low counts for other stuff but nothing too serious.
Funnily enough the doctor was more concerned about my mood swings over anything else. She prescribed me with anti depressants, and also encouraged me to eat a little more because it may help some of the symptoms. She wrote a list of possible foods I may feel comfortable eating, so I nodded in agreeance with her, telling her I would try my hardest. The whole time I knew I wasn’t going to try and eat.
The tablets proved to be a great hit. I had them figured out in no time. I accidentally took half more than I should have because I took then in half doses, not realising the short interval of time between the two halves. They made my head go very spinny, and I felt very nauseous. I passed out at work and was sent home afterwards. I never really bothered with the tablets after this (unless I felt like it), because I didn’t want my moods to be controlled by a tablet. My moods were caused by my emotions, not a chemical imbalance.

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